Deconstructing and rebuilding

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the life that I’ve been living and the never ending cycle of bills, work, capitalism, environmentalism, and so on.

I am feeling very trapped in the system and need to deconstruct its hold on me and start over in a lifestyle that is more true to my nature.

My mind has been working overtime thinking of ways to accomplish this goal before I am too old to really do it.

I think my step one is going to be cutting expenses and getting rid of my debt..that’s the hardest one to accomplish so I’m going to start small and work my way through it so I don’t get frustrated and give up.

Will post when I have made any progress..



A not so little story

K. So I was born in CT. At 11 months old, I was adopted and moved to NJ.

As I grew up I was told that I was special because I was ‘chosen’. That never made sense to me because that meant that someone had to be willing to give me away in the first place.

I never felt that I belonged in NJ.  I never fit in and although I made friends easily, I never felt that they were truly my friends. I always felt that they felt sorry for me because I was adopted. (Story for another time)

I was able to move to Seattle for a while, (5 years) and instantly felt a freedom that I never felt in NJ.  I loved it there, but poor life choices and family obligations landed me back in NJ.

Fast forward to today.

I have met 99% of my biological family in CT Over the last almost 20 years, with the exception of my mother, (who doesn’t want to, for her own reasons, and after years of reflection, and therapy, I respect her decision)

I have found my ‘home’ in a sense, in CT, and feel that if I were able to move there, I could have what I always wanted, a large welcoming family that loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want me to be, or who they think I am.

My issue now is my current life situation. I am still, at almost 47, birthday in less than a week, beatin my head against a wall, living paycheck to paycheck, in an upside down mortgage, unable to make the move.

I want a better life for my kids, my son, almost 30, my daughter, almost 9, and my granddaughter, almost 3. I do not see NJ ever breaking the cycle for any of us.

I will work until I die here, never being truly comfortable with any of my major life decisions. What will that teach my kids? That you can’t have, or do what you want because you are a wheel in someone elses machine?

I don’t want to be a wheel in someone elses machine, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone I care about to live their lives that way.

I refuse to teach my kids to make money for someone else. I want to teach them to make what they need, grow food, build things, fix things that are broken, etc., and be proud of what they’ve done.

After 47ish years of being part of the machine, how do you break away and start anew? I’ve been teaching my daughter the right path as far as people and materialism go, but only in theory, as we are not truly living it.

The conundrum is that it takes money from the system to break free of the system. Without complete upheaval and severe hardship. How the fuck does that work when you can’t save a dime towards the ultimate goal?

My ego (another topic for another day) is just about gone, I’ve been working on being true to myself and not caring about what others think.

I am giving this state/town 2 more school years, before my daughter hits the shit ass middle school in my town and I’m out. Whether I’ve reached my goal or not. I will not subject her brilliant mind to the complete ghetto ignorance that she will be exposed to.

As always, there is so much more I want to say, but time does not permit, as I have to get up early to go to work.



Hello old friend

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since February. I have so many things going on both in life and in my head, that I have no time to post.

Partially because there is so much I want to say, that I don’t have the time, and I can’t seem to oganize the buildup of thoughts into anything that would make sense.

I guess ill start with a basic run down of whats been going on.

My job that I started in February has been going good. The job is fairly easy and the people are nice.

I’ve been getting up to the camper in CT twice a month, which was my plan for the summer. I have to move it though, cause my friends that have it in their yard are selling their house. Campground, here I come..

I had to put my dog to sleep. He was old and his body was shutting down.

I have had a plumber out to fix the leak from the upstairs neighbors shower that has wrecked my bathroom for the umpteenth time and I got a new breaker box installed due to the condo updating the whole electrical system.

I have concluded that I am not depressed, even though I feel like the walls are closing in on me again, I recognize that I’m in fact sad, disappointed, trapped and unfulfilled in this ‘work to live’ society that I am stuck in.

Enough on that, before I get on a rant of epic proportions and am writing the longest blog post in history..

Hope to post again soon, before all these thoughts start spilling out of my head (or worse, my mouth) and make a big mess.


Selfish Selfless & Balance

So I’m still trying to treat myself better and address my needs more.

It’s not always easy to find the balance when you are in a relationship or have children.

You need to care for others because you are a parent or a partner, but you can’t always ignore your needs to make others happy.

On the other hand, you can’t blow off your responsibilities because you want a pedicure. Lol.

For example, if I told my daughter I couldn’t take her to school on Monday because I wanted to sleep late, I would be sending her the message that her education is less important to me than sleep.

That is pretty selfish and would do lasting damage to our relationship. (It’s also a completely ridiculous analogy, unfortunately, I know there are people that wouldn’t think this was a big deal)

I guess the most important thing to remember is that there are people that rely on you, but there has to be a balance between what you need to do and what you want to do.

Your family and friends love you and if you tell them what you need, they will understand and help you just as you would them. It’s part of team work.

Like the lottery commercial says, ‘you gotta be in it to win it’ Well, that applies to life too, you have to speak your needs, or no one will know what you want.


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Last day

Well, today was my last day at my job.

I am going to miss the people there and I did learn more IT stuff in the short time I was there. But…

I just couldn’t justify staying they’re when the new position is so close to home and has the potential to be the last ‘new’ job I will need.

I will be shopping for work clothes and organizing my home life, including doing my taxes, in the next week to prepare for the next chapter.


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Movin on

Well I have taken the first step toward securing my retirement.

I accepted a new job that could be my last. It is a well established company right in my town.

They have all the usual benefits, medical, paid sick leave, paid vacation, and a retirement plan that I will sign up for as soon as I am able..

Wish me luck :-)

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