Hello old friend

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since February. I have so many things going on both in life and in my head, that I have no time to post.

Partially because there is so much I want to say, that I don’t have the time, and I can’t seem to oganize the buildup of thoughts into anything that would make sense.

I guess ill start with a basic run down of whats been going on.

My job that I started in February has been going good. The job is fairly easy and the people are nice.

I’ve been getting up to the camper in CT twice a month, which was my plan for the summer. I have to move it though, cause my friends that have it in their yard are selling their house. Campground, here I come..

I had to put my dog to sleep. He was old and his body was shutting down.

I have had a plumber out to fix the leak from the upstairs neighbors shower that has wrecked my bathroom for the umpteenth time and I got a new breaker box installed due to the condo updating the whole electrical system.

I have concluded that I am not depressed, even though I feel like the walls are closing in on me again, I recognize that I’m in fact sad, disappointed, trapped and unfulfilled in this ‘work to live’ society that I am stuck in.

Enough on that, before I get on a rant of epic proportions and am writing the longest blog post in history..

Hope to post again soon, before all these thoughts start spilling out of my head (or worse, my mouth) and make a big mess.

Laterz
THV

Selfish Selfless & Balance

So I’m still trying to treat myself better and address my needs more.

It’s not always easy to find the balance when you are in a relationship or have children.

You need to care for others because you are a parent or a partner, but you can’t always ignore your needs to make others happy.

On the other hand, you can’t blow off your responsibilities because you want a pedicure. Lol.

For example, if I told my daughter I couldn’t take her to school on Monday because I wanted to sleep late, I would be sending her the message that her education is less important to me than sleep.

That is pretty selfish and would do lasting damage to our relationship. (It’s also a completely ridiculous analogy, unfortunately, I know there are people that wouldn’t think this was a big deal)

I guess the most important thing to remember is that there are people that rely on you, but there has to be a balance between what you need to do and what you want to do.

Your family and friends love you and if you tell them what you need, they will understand and help you just as you would them. It’s part of team work.

Like the lottery commercial says, ‘you gotta be in it to win it’ Well, that applies to life too, you have to speak your needs, or no one will know what you want.

THV

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Last day

Well, today was my last day at my job.

I am going to miss the people there and I did learn more IT stuff in the short time I was there. But…

I just couldn’t justify staying they’re when the new position is so close to home and has the potential to be the last ‘new’ job I will need.

I will be shopping for work clothes and organizing my home life, including doing my taxes, in the next week to prepare for the next chapter.

THV

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Movin on

Well I have taken the first step toward securing my retirement.

I accepted a new job that could be my last. It is a well established company right in my town.

They have all the usual benefits, medical, paid sick leave, paid vacation, and a retirement plan that I will sign up for as soon as I am able..

Wish me luck :-)
THV

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Learning

So I have had another one of those epiphanies that I have every once in a while when I am contemplating change and where I’ve gone wrong in my life.

I need to put myself higher on my priority list. Period.

Note to people in my life, this is not about you. This is about me and how i deal with everyone.

I have always been the kind of person to find joy in caring for others and helping them better themselves. Unfortunately for me, this usually ends up costing me my own wants and needs.

I seem to take such good care of people that I make them become too dependent on me and then when I need a break, I am in no position to provide one for myself.

I am going to be 47 on my next birthday and I have never been able to make solid plans for the future. I have always lived paycheck to paycheck, rarely able to save anything for even Christmas shopping. What is going to happen over the next 20 or so years, will define the rest of my life.

I should have thought of this when I was in my 20’s and started planning then, but, I never could. I don’t have that option now. I will need to come up with a new plan, like yesterday. I need to be strict with myself. I need to take better charge of my resources. Physically, mentally and financially.

Being a lifelong depressive and more recently a Lyme disease sufferer, does not make this an easy task. My energy is at an all-time low, (winter blues enhanced) my attitude sucks, I am very unhappy and overwhelmed at this point and I am looking at this as a ‘shit or get off the pot’ scenario. If i don’t start bailing now, this ship will never become seaworthy.

I need to learn to feel comfortable asking for help when I need it. My usual m.o. is to wait until I can’t handle things before I will admit that I need help. Part of this comes from having been screwed over too many times in the past by people.

I have always taken on more than my share in an attempt to keep control and not be vulnerable to others. This is a self defeating behavior in itself. If I take all the control, no one can tell me what to do or take anything away from me.

The only people that I always could count on for help were my parents. My father passed away in 1998 and my mother is now suffering with dementia and living with my brother in another state. I can’t even turn to her for advice anymore.

I feel very isolated right now and this is also my own doing. Yes, I have a young daughter, but I should still find time for social activities.. Lol, me finding time for anything is a joke in itself.
So I am going to start by evaluating my current needs and coming up with a plan.

THV

Working mom

So here I sit, wondering when I will stop floundering through life and actually get to live a little instead of working to survive.

I was raised by a mother that stayed home and took care of her family while my father worked to provide for that family. That’s what I thought I would be doing when I became a mother.

Instead, I had to be mother, father and sibling to my son while working full time to support us. Now he’s grown and has his own child to support. Needless to say, wasn’t easy and I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but all in all, we did ok.

Now I am a grandmother with a young daughter to provide for as well. Guess what, I am still working full time, living paycheck to paycheck and don’t have time for much.

I know that they say you need to ‘be the change you want to see’, but who has time to make it happen when as usual, survival is #1 priority.

So, tell me, oh wise ones, where is the break I’ve been so needing this past 30 or so years. When can I have the job I love, caring for the people I love and being creative? When can this rat race roller coaster let me go a little and let me have the life I’ve always dreamed of.

All I really want is a simpler life, I want to grow food, make things, cook and clean and most of all, be there for my family. I’m tired of saying, sorry I can’t go baby, mommy has to work, or, I worked all day and I’m tired.

One day I’ll be gone and I don’t want that to be my kids most common memory of me.

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“And Tired Always Follows Sick”

So I am tired and need to vent a bit. Got a minute, or 70?

Lately I have been fighting sinus issues more than usual. This winter has been brutal on my sinuses and I can’t tell if it has to do with the temperature, my allergies or some unidentified pollutant.

My bathroom ceiling is a mess, again, because of the tenants upstairs. They do not put their shower curtain inside the tub when they shower, so I now (again) have a leak in my bathroom ceiling. The owner upstairs is trying to get them out because it seems that they don’t like to pay rent either. They can’t leave soon enough.

I am working full time again as of the first of the year and running my daughter to Taekwondo and Gymnastics, on top of helping her with these projects that she gets every month, (2 a month, part of the gifted program) which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for anything else.

So needless to say I am in the throes of a winter meltdown, again, as usual.

My new question is this. Is society so broken that we do not see the benefit of having a mother stay at home and be a mother, instead of running around like a lunatic and being too stressed to teach her kids the important stuff in life? Where did the sense of community go?

When women burned their bras and protested for equality, where were the women that liked things the way they were? Couldn’t there have been a compromise? There is no way to be a ‘stay at home’ mom without a man supporting you.

We are all slaves to the system and there isn’t an easy way out unless you have money. Schooling has changed so drastically that they don’t teach you how to care for a home, cook, clean, grow things, etc. What happened to home ec?

They don’t teach you in school that you are working for someone else’s wealth. They teach you that to be successful, you have to work for someone else and become a consumer. Period. Make the money to buy the stuff that makes you look successful, again and again..

Our schools now are worker bee factories. Get used to the schedule, follow the rules, don’t question authority, learn how to be a good worker.

I am not religious but I have to say, the Amish seem to have the right idea. Their system is flawed, are most religions, but I think the intention is good and at the core is community and health.

I think it’s time to create a pseudo-Amish community. Let’s see what it takes to create a ‘religion’…

Well I’ve vented the tip of the iceberg.. There will be more soon.

THV