All Bottled Up

Ok, so I mentioned that I needed to post a lot that I had in my head a while back. Now there’s even more.

Reminder, I’m adopted and have a history of depression. (for those of you who don’t know me)

June 18, I lost my biological Grandpa, my mother’s father. He had 2 staph type infections that got into his bloodstream and a bacterial infection that he got in the hospital. At 95 he just couldn’t beat it. I do mourn the loss, but am ok with it. I met him the first time in 1995 and saw him whenever geographically possible. I will miss his stories and his wise cracking ways, but I have peace with the time I did get.

July 10, an internet friend in a severe depressive episode starts posting goodbyes and basically suicide notes online and won’t reply to me. I call the police to make sure they haven’t actually done it, and end up losing the friendship over it. It stings, but I’d do it all over again. I would rather this person hate me and live than have died because did nothing. I was only trying help.

July 18, I get a call from my biological uncle on my father’s side telling me that my father, who had a severe heart condition since his early 20’s passed away on the 16th. I met him as well, but only once. His wife did not want him having a relationship with me or his other daughter that he had before he met her because she was afraid that it would interfere with the relationship he had with her 2 adult kids that he adopted and raised. I tried to maintain contact until it was clear that he wasn’t going to return calls and emails went through her, so I don’t even know If he saw them.

I stayed in contact with my uncle and we are pretty close, I make sure to visit whenever possible, he lives 4 hours away, so it’s not terribly often, but we maintain a pretty good relationship.

A few months ago, my uncle told me that my father had set his wife straight and told her that if my sister or myself wanted a relationship, he wasn’t going to shun us for her anymore. My uncle suggested that I call him, I didn’t. I was burnt by him before and shy of the flame, I figured he could call me just as easily.
As for my sister, We have never met, and I don’t know if she even knows I exist as he was supposed to tell her about me. We had different mothers.

So now here I am, my grandfathers memorial in October and my fathers, probably in a couple weeks, but I don’t know when, both in the same state, 4 hours away. Will I meet my sister at my fathers? Will I meet my mother at my grandfathers? (My biological mother has refused to meet me since 1983). Whole other story there…

Then there is my mother who adopted me. She is now staying at my brother’s house because she has fallen at her apartment too many times to live alone and my house is too small for us already.

So the upside is that I have lost the chore of going food shopping for her, and I know she is safe and not alone, but I have also lost the visits, as I’ve been super busy and haven’t gone over as much as I did when I ‘had’ to. I’m sure my mother feels I have deserted her, but they don’t even answer the house phone, so its even hard to call her.

Usually my mom is my go to when I’m upset or getting depressed, but with the biological family stuff, she’s never been any good talking to about it because it upsets her that I even felt the need to find any of them in the first place.

I have talked to my fiancée, my sister and my best friend and I still don’t feel much better. I am confused, conflicted, morning losses, depressed, lonely and scared to lose anyone else.

I am still trying my best though and I will keep trying. I guess I been through worse, right?



Co-dependancy vs natural animal pack selection/mating behavior

Ok, so this is probably going to sound weird to most people, but I was thinking and conversing with my best friend/sister last night about co-dependant relationships. Here are some key points before I start rambling.

Most important to remember is that we humans are in fact animals and that co-dependancy is just a word created by a human to describe a certain behavior.

1. My parents were totally co-dependant.
2. Most of my relationships, friends and romantic, have been co-dependant in some way.
3. I have been dealing with depression on and off in my life for as long as I can remember. (Diagnosed-Major Recurring Depressive Disorder)
4. I am adopted. Dont know if this has any relevance to this subject, but it affects me in everything else, so I figure it’s worth noting.
5. I have accidentally raised my son to be a co-dependant as well.
6. Most addicts are in co-dependant relationships, romantic, friends, family, etc.
7. I am not an addict. Besides cigarettes, which I think is more habit than addiction.
7-1. I do however believe that you can become addicted to people. Whether that is part of the human soul mate principal or the animal pack selection principal. I have been addicted to certain people for different reasons.
8. Honesty is imperative in any relation.

Part one
Ok so we were discussing the fact that in our 25 year friendship, we have been co-dependant with each other as well. We both know that we wouldn’t be able to handle not having each other in our lives.

This has not been detrimental to either of us in any way.

What usually happens is one of us is in bad shape and the other isn’t, so she picks up the other and puts her back together. This has worked for us pretty well over the years as we are usually never in bad shape at the same time. Lol.

We are both doing pretty good right now, fingers crossed that it stays that way. After all, we are getting older, so we aren’t as reckless as we were when we were younger. We now know that we aren’t invincible anymore. Lol.

Defined-co-dependant friend relationship. Pack selection behavior. It works for us.

Part two
My parents. Very old-fashioned italian/hungarian couple. Woman housewife, man worker. Pretty much it. Mom didn’t drive or work, was totally dependent on dad for everything outside the house, and he was dependent on her for everything inside the house. They fought like a cat and a dog often, but always ended up holding hands watching tv at night.

Defined-co-dependant partner relationship. Mate for life behavior. It worked for almost 50 years for them until my dads passing.

Thus far I do not see where co-dependancy is a bad thing.

Part three
If you find someone who fills a part of yourself that was previously a void, whats the problem? As long as that person is on the same page as you and feels the same way, you have found your pack member, mate, soul mate, etc.

People are the only animals with the ability to lie. This is what does us in. We cannot trust and love unconditionally like animals do because in the back of our head we are wondering if the other person is being honest.

So many people are afraid to give all of themselves to another person. People let you down in life and this affects our ability for intimacy and puts doubt in our ability to choose our partners.

There is some ‘the one’ for each of us. If we could let go of the human ways of carrying forward all the baggage of the past and just accept that the particular relation wasnt ‘the one’, we could free ourselves to be open and trusting for when ‘the one’ does show up.

While dating, most have an image they are projecting to ‘catch’ the others attention, much like a mating dance of a male bird, but the difference is that the birds flashy feathers are really there, where most of the humans image projection is an illusion.

Once the potential mate is ensnared in a relationship, the pretense is dropped and the truth starts to show. There is where you realize that he/she is not ‘the one’. If we could let go of the false illusion and just be ourselves and be 100% honest from day one, we would know within minutes if we were talking to the wrong person.

If we were more in touch with our inner animal, we could use our senses to pick up the scent/pheromones that we are tuned to.

Part four
Honesty is super important to me as an individual as my entire life was built on a pack of lies that I still do not have all the truths for.

Here is where the adoption comes in to the story.

So I was adopted at 11 months of age. I was told I was adopted as soon as my parents felt I was old enough to handle the truth.

Hello?!? No 5-year-old can comprehend why they were given away to someone else.

Enter lies. I was told then that I was adopted because my real mother was not able to care for me and felt I would be raised better by someone else.

That lie is still unanswered, I did meet most of my biological family, with the exception of my mother, who refuses to meet me. The information I have been able to piece together from family members leads me to believe that my adoption wasnt exactly legal in my home state, but was legal in the state I was brought to. Seems that it was a monetary adoption and I was ‘sold’ so to speak.

Ok, so growing up my family was always one paycheck away from living in the projects. My father dropped out of school in like 4th grade because of an injury and lengthy hospital stay, so he was a hard worker for not the greatest pay. My mothers brothers and sister did pretty well for themselves, none were rich by any means, but somewhere between middle class to upper middle class.

There go more lies. We always had to look like we had at least what they did.

Then there was always the ‘I’ll let you have/do this but don’t tell so and so’. I became an expert at playing my parents against each other to get what I wanted. One hand didn’t know what the other was doing, so I took full advantage.

The sad part is that I didn’t know I was doing anything wrong because I was surrounded by the same behavior. I  was so good at it I sometimes even believed my own lies.

At 25 I moved away. I found out that I didn’t have to lie, I could be myself and people wouldn’t hate me, I could tell the truth and people could take it or leave it, and above all else, I found out that I didn’t care who knew what or what they thought about me. I was being honest and it felt good. I made a promise to myself that I would always tell the truth.

Like any habit, lying was a tough one to break. I fell off the wagon quite a few times, but I am proud to say that I now suck at lying. I have a bad short-term memory and would probably forget who I told what lie to. lol

I do still have a few secrets, if you could even call them that, but they are from my past and have no effect on anyone or anything in my present. They mean very little to me and are just things from a different lifetime that I choose not to share because they are nothing important.

I seem to have rambled and gotten off track a bit. This is what happens when I don’t write for a while and I have so much to say. I did have 2 separate blog posts formulated in my head, but once I started writing, they sort of took off on their own. Lol.

Closing (for now)
So I guess my outlook is this, if you are co-dependant for a good  reason and no one is being hurt by it, good for you, you have chosen your packmate/mate.

I have a very small pack. It consists of my children and a few people who I can’t live without. If that’s co-dependancy then I’m ok with that. For those reading this, you know who you are and why I can’t live without you