‘Mental slavery’

Ok, so I saw this quote today on Twitter and it really made me think.

“Emancipate yourself from mental slavery.
None but ourselves can free our minds.”
― Bob Marley

This quote really hit me hard and I felt the need to write about it.

First I thought of how I would have loved to sit and have a chat with the wonderful Mr. Marley. He was such a peaceful, insightful man.

Second I said to myself, holy crap, that’s why you’ve been a mental patient for so many years.

I seem to be a slave to my own thoughts. I am sure I am not alone in that. We all carry some sort of emotional baggage and the things that happen to us in our lifetime is what shapes who we become.

I guess in my case, instead of being stunted by the wrongs imposed on me from almost day one, I should have become a tough, take no shit kind of bitch who only cared about herself. Especially being raised in north NJ. Self centered was almost a requirement to live there.

I just didn’t. I never fit in. NJ is not me. I’m a fucking marshmallow. By the time I was 25, NJ had chewed me up and spit me out. I couldn’t wait to get out of here. I ultimately came back, during the worst time of my life, but I’m a little stronger than when I left and know more of who I am and why. I hope to eventually move from here again, but I doubt its going to happen any time soon.

I can’t even get angry properly. I cry when I try to get out my anger. Which in turn makes me angry at myself and and I cry more. By the time the fight is over, I am self defeated and I crawl into whatever hole I can find.

I wish I could just get mad, tell you to get bent and walk away. If I even remotely give the tiniest  shit about you, you won’t get that, you’ll get the blubbering idiot that you can’t even understand. Most of you that know me have seen that side of me at least once.

Each thing that has made me into that blubbering idiot in my life is neatly tucked away in a part of my brain to be pulled out when I need to have a pity party for myself. Or if I need to remind someone of what I’ve been through. See I never forget the bad stuff. I always expect the worst.

I don’t hold grudges, but once my trust in compromised, it always will be. I will always be cautious with that person or anyone who even reminds me of that person. Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice, I’m a moron.

Anyway, yes, I am a slave to my thoughts. I have questions that will forever be unanswered because I didn’t have the balls to ask. I have lost because I cared about others too much and held them responsible for my own self neglect. I have regretted not caring for my own needs enough. What do I need anyway? Not much really. I don’t think about it much either, I’m too busy worrying about what those I care about need and wether I’ve taken proper care of them.

I will always wonder what life would have been like if I grew up in my other life. Who would I be now? Would I even be?

Enough of my rambling for now. I sound like a whiney little martyr who wants attention. Now I’m mad at myself. Please pay no attention to this post and don’t comment on it. I’ll only get embarrassed knowing you read it. The only reason I’m posting it is to get this shit off my chest and maybe help someone who feels the same way feel better after reading it.