This song always makes me cry.
Disclaimer: This post is NOT about anyone in particular and is NOT about anyone in my life at this point in time except me.
I’ve known for a long time now that I try to ‘fix’ people. Friends, relatives, boyfriends, girlfriends. Just about anyone I may care about at any given moment in time.
Usually I don’t even realize that I am doing it until I reach the end of my martyr rope and I decide that I can’t do it anymore because I have needs that are not being met. (Usually what I need is to fix me.)
I found an old journal of mine from when I was a teenager and read through some of it. WOW was I screwed up?!? I was so terrified of ‘looking in the mirror’ that I kept a stock of people that needed fixing and jumped from one to the other like changing my shoes. Eek.
I was made aware of my fear of being alone years ago during therapy and spent 2 1/2 years without a relationship, trying to learn what it was that I needed. I figured out that I had a deep fear of rejection, probably from being given away at 11 months old. (It was explained to me that usually when a very young child forms a bond with a parental figure and that bond gets broken, the babys brain goes into ‘survival mode’ and the child is not capable of forming a bond with a new parental figure. Makes sense to me, as I never got along well with my adoptive mother.)
After that time alone, I entered into the relationship I am in now. I was more able to say what I wanted and/or needed and the relationship grew with me being more me than I ever allowed myself to be. I’m sure that is why it has lasted.
I do fall back into that pattern of wanting to fix people from time to time, usually when I get depressed and need a distraction from whatever is causing my depression.
Usually I cannot immediately identify why I am down. I just am. There sometimes isn’t a reason. I just lose enjoyment for everything and want to be left alone to wallow. The few times in my life that I can remember NOT being even the slightest bit down can be counted on one hand. I have been this way since I can remember, there are usually just varying degrees of down.
When I took that 2 1/2 years to wallow, I was heavily medicated, working and functioning. No one would have known I was depressed from the outside. I don’t even think I knew. I was just doing what I had to do to survive. I didn’t get anywhere with my underlying depression issues, ie: adoption or rejection.
I don’t know if the adoption/rejection is fixable. I tried to meet my biological mother and she refused to open the door, adding more rejection to the pile. I just wanted to see her face. Having grown up around people I didn’t look like and always being told that I looked like her, I needed to see her in person. She took that away from me by standing on the other side of the door and seeing me through the peephole. She got what I needed. I can’t imagine how she wouldn’t open the door. I’m so much of a nosy body that if it were me I would have thrown the door open and asked about a billion questions. That’s a story for another day.
Back to today..
It is gorgeous outside and all I feel like doing is crying. Don’t ask why, I don’t know. Since I’ve been back from vacation, I have been trying to work on decluttering my house and getting my son motivated and out of bed to find a new job.
I haven’t been taking care of myself I guess, so today I colored my hair and took a shower. That may not sound like a big accomplishment, but eating right and personal grooming are the first to go when I am down.
I think I am going to stop here so I don’t circle into another story and confuse this post any further than I already have. Maybe I’ll post more later.