Melting your brains and morals

So I just finished watching a movie. A good old fashioned love story type movie, which I don’t do very often because I HATE commercials.

So this movie happened to be on the a network which I NEVER watch because it is full of shit. The only reason I put it on today was because I liked the movie that was playing.

It took 150 minutes to play a 118 minute movie. The other 32 minutes were made up mostly of commercials about reality shows on the network.

Blech..

I wouldn’t voluntarily watch any of these shows, even if I was being paid or forced to do so.

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Most of these so called reality shows are scripted and edited to be like an hour long ratings whore and aren’t suitable for anyone with half a brain to watch.

There is nothing real about any of it. Most of the people in these shows are famous for nothing (oh wait, their parents were famous) or (they just have lots of money) and are made of more plastic than Barbie.

I do not call them entertainment. I call them garbage.

It’s no wonder our world is suffering today. People would rather forget they have morals and brains and sit in front of a tv that is filling their heads with false perceptions of what life is supposed to be like and why you are supposed to aspire to be like these morons on the shows.

I could rant for hours on this.

Ugh

THV

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Fix you = Fix me?

This song always makes me cry.

Disclaimer: This post is NOT about anyone in particular and is NOT about anyone in my life at this point in time except me.

I’ve known for a long time now that I try to ‘fix’ people. Friends, relatives, boyfriends, girlfriends. Just about anyone I may care about at any given moment in time.

Usually I don’t even realize that I am doing it until I reach the end of my martyr rope and I decide that I can’t do it anymore because I have needs that are not being met. (Usually what I need is to fix me.)

I found an old journal of mine from when I was a teenager and read through some of it. WOW was I screwed up?!? I was so terrified of ‘looking in the mirror’ that I kept a stock of people that needed fixing and jumped from one to the other like changing my shoes. Eek.

I was made aware of my fear of being alone years ago during therapy and spent 2 1/2 years without a relationship, trying to learn what it was that I needed. I figured out that I had a deep fear of rejection, probably from being given away at 11 months old. (It was explained to me that usually when a very young child forms a bond with a parental figure and that bond gets broken, the babys brain goes into ‘survival mode’ and the child is not capable of forming a bond with a new parental figure. Makes sense to me, as I never got along well with my adoptive mother.)

After that time alone, I entered into the relationship I am in now. I was more able to say what I wanted and/or needed and the relationship grew with me being more me than I ever allowed myself to be. I’m sure that is why it has lasted.

I do fall back into that pattern of wanting to fix people from time to time, usually when I get depressed and need a distraction from whatever is causing my depression.

Usually I cannot immediately identify why I am down. I just am. There sometimes isn’t a reason. I just lose enjoyment for everything and want to be left alone to wallow. The few times in my life that I can remember NOT being even the slightest bit down can be counted on one hand. I have been this way since I can remember, there are usually just varying degrees of down.

When I took that 2 1/2 years to wallow, I was heavily medicated, working and functioning. No one would have known I was depressed from the outside. I don’t even think I knew. I was just doing what I had to do to survive. I didn’t get anywhere with my underlying depression issues, ie: adoption or rejection.

I don’t know if the adoption/rejection is fixable. I tried to meet my biological mother and she refused to open the door, adding more rejection to the pile. I just wanted to see her face. Having grown up around people I didn’t look like and always being told that I looked like her, I needed to see her in person. She took that away from me by standing on the other side of the door and seeing me through the peephole. She got what I needed. I can’t imagine how she wouldn’t open the door. I’m so much of a nosy body that if it were me I would have thrown the door open and asked about a billion questions. That’s a story for another day.

Back to today..

It is gorgeous outside and all I feel like doing is crying. Don’t ask why, I don’t know. Since I’ve been back from vacation, I have been trying to work on decluttering my house and getting my son motivated and out of bed to find a new job.

I haven’t been taking care of myself I guess, so today I colored my hair and took a shower. That may not sound like a big accomplishment, but eating right and personal grooming are the first to go when I am down.

I think I am going to stop here so I don’t circle into another story and confuse this post any further than I already have. Maybe I’ll post more later.

THV

SEE. THE. COVE..

#CyberWhaleWarrior

The Cove movie changes lives. Getting people to watch the film, however, can be sometimes difficult. The next best thing is The Cove PSA (Public Service Announcement). With an all-star cast, the PSA is a real attention getter. If you can get someone to watch the first few seconds, you have them hooked! What if you could pay people to watch it? You can and I have done so on Empire Avenue.

Empire Avenue is a social media platform that let’s people buy virtual stock in you. You can also buy stock in them to collect dividends or sell the stock at a later date. The virtual cash that you collect can then be used for missions. In these missions, you assign people a task and offer virtual credits as a reward. Anyone can take advantage of your mission. This means that you will be reaching people from…

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