I have needed to post for a while now, but have been so busy lately I haven’t had time. Knowing that I am currently unemployed you may be wondering why I am so busy. Well, its kind of in the title. Everything and nothing all at once.
I have been trying to find a niche to be in business for myself. I tried ‘selling’ green energy, but in order to do that, I’d have to be out talking to people. I thought I could promote it from my little hobbit hole and it could be an online venture, but that didn’t go so well. Maybe I gave up too easy, but was too busy with other stuff to notice.
I had gone through a de-cluttering phase in my house. I had blogged about it previously. My house, with me being somewhat of a pack rat was getting uncomfortable to everyone in my house, including me, and I had to do an intervention on myself, complete with cleaning out my storage unit to make room for the unused cluttery things in the house. House looks better but is still not finished. Needs painting and a new functional dining room table among a few other big ticket items that hopefully we can get later, like a fridge and washer/dryer set.
During the house de-cluttering project I tried to start my own online jewelry business on Etsy. I was all excited, got a tax id#, registered to do business in my state, made a bunch of pieces, posted them in my online shop and was sharing it all over twitter and facebook. The problem was that I got too busy and didn’t have time to make new pieces. The promoting fell by the wayside and nothing sold.
I also needed to simultaneously pack and move my mothers apartment before my son got a job and his baby was born.
That didn’t quite work out the way I had planned. My house took me too long and moms got put off until I had no choice because it was lease renewal time and they needed 30 days written notice before the lease was up or the rent control that she had would shoot up to market value. I don’t even want to imagine what that would have cost her. She already had been paying for an apartment that she hadn’t been in at all since June 2011.
So, the baby came, my son got a job and I was sick for a bit. Finally got to packing and moving moms apartment by myself, which has been kind of tough emotionally. It felt strange to be there, dis-assembling her home without her there as if she had passed away. I know that she wanted me to be the one to do it all. She knows that with my OCD it would be done as organized as humanly possible and nothing would get lost or disposed of that she wanted or needed. The strange part was knowing that when she moved there, she picked everything out to make her home as much a reflection of her likes as anyone would. Most of her stuff was either brand new or meticulously cared for as if it actually were new.
As I imagine most would feel, it is hard to think of your parent, your caretaker, as being the one who needs care as a child would. They are no longer your caretaker, not that as an adult it would be necessary, but to see frailty or weakness in someone so strong your entire life is a hard pill to swallow.
I guess the process I was going through in her house was making that a crystal clear fact to me. She will always be my shoulder to cry on, but won’t remember it a week after and she can’t be much more than that now. I guess as a needy depressive, that scares me.
The thought that she would never need any of her household stuff again or fit into most of the clothes she had and that she’d probably never see any of it again makes me very sad.
I went through it all. The clothes, the household items. I picked and chose what would fit her and what she may need at my brothers when her room is built and packed it all separate. Most of her other clothes, either too big, too small or too old fashioned, I donated to Sandy relief efforts.
I probably could have donated most of her household items as well, but I packed up the dishes and miscellaneous accessories for storage. Someone in the family will need something eventually. Now we have a sort of extra household stock to use.
It all still felt surreal and strange to me. I handed in the keys today and said my goodbyes. Proud of myself for accomplishing the task, but with a heavy heart knowing that mom no longer has her apartment and doesn’t even know it yet. She knew it was going to be done like I said before, she wanted me to be the one to do it, but I’m sure she would have liked to visit it once more, or help somehow with it.
During my moms apartment duties, I did get a call from the school district for a one day substitute secretary job and my unemployment benefits have now expired so my next task will be job hunting in a horrific market.
Maybe I’ll find a crappy job so that if the school calls I won’t feel guilty calling out to go work there instead. I really need to be available for the school because I want a permanent position with them and substituting is how they hire you.
During all of this I have managed to edit two short stories for a writer that I met through twitter. I am currently waiting for part three to the series and a book that she’s been working on.
I’ve also scanned 99% of my future mother in laws photos that got flooded out in hurricane Sandy. I will be finishing that up hopefully in the next few days. I’ve also helped my fiancee start his own business and am in the process of creating his website to get him more music students. He’s been working at a studio and has some road students, but with the economy and kids growing up and going off to college, his student bookings have taken a hit so we want to build it back up again.
Kind of feeling guilty for writing this blog post instead of watching my daughters gymnastics class, but I felt like I was going to burst and had to get something out. Finding an hour to just sit and write has been a non existing luxury lately. I’ve been on the verge of tears all day. This post has been a big exhale for me.