So I have had another one of those epiphanies that I have every once in a while when I am contemplating change and where I’ve gone wrong in my life.
I need to put myself higher on my priority list. Period.
Note to people in my life, this is not about you. This is about me and how i deal with everyone.
I have always been the kind of person to find joy in caring for others and helping them better themselves. Unfortunately for me, this usually ends up costing me my own wants and needs.
I seem to take such good care of people that I make them become too dependent on me and then when I need a break, I am in no position to provide one for myself.
I am going to be 47 on my next birthday and I have never been able to make solid plans for the future. I have always lived paycheck to paycheck, rarely able to save anything for even Christmas shopping. What is going to happen over the next 20 or so years, will define the rest of my life.
I should have thought of this when I was in my 20’s and started planning then, but, I never could. I don’t have that option now. I will need to come up with a new plan, like yesterday. I need to be strict with myself. I need to take better charge of my resources. Physically, mentally and financially.
Being a lifelong depressive and more recently a Lyme disease sufferer, does not make this an easy task. My energy is at an all-time low, (winter blues enhanced) my attitude sucks, I am very unhappy and overwhelmed at this point and I am looking at this as a ‘shit or get off the pot’ scenario. If i don’t start bailing now, this ship will never become seaworthy.
I need to learn to feel comfortable asking for help when I need it. My usual m.o. is to wait until I can’t handle things before I will admit that I need help. Part of this comes from having been screwed over too many times in the past by people.
I have always taken on more than my share in an attempt to keep control and not be vulnerable to others. This is a self defeating behavior in itself. If I take all the control, no one can tell me what to do or take anything away from me.
The only people that I always could count on for help were my parents. My father passed away in 1998 and my mother is now suffering with dementia and living with my brother in another state. I can’t even turn to her for advice anymore.
I feel very isolated right now and this is also my own doing. Yes, I have a young daughter, but I should still find time for social activities.. Lol, me finding time for anything is a joke in itself.
So I am going to start by evaluating my current needs and coming up with a plan.