A not so little story

K. So I was born in CT. At 11 months old, I was adopted and moved to NJ.

As I grew up I was told that I was special because I was ‘chosen’. That never made sense to me because that meant that someone had to be willing to give me away in the first place.

I never felt that I belonged in NJ.  I never fit in and although I made friends easily, I never felt that they were truly my friends. I always felt that they felt sorry for me because I was adopted. (Story for another time)

I was able to move to Seattle for a while, (5 years) and instantly felt a freedom that I never felt in NJ.  I loved it there, but poor life choices and family obligations landed me back in NJ.

Fast forward to today.

I have met 99% of my biological family in CT Over the last almost 20 years, with the exception of my mother, (who doesn’t want to, for her own reasons, and after years of reflection, and therapy, I respect her decision)

I have found my ‘home’ in a sense, in CT, and feel that if I were able to move there, I could have what I always wanted, a large welcoming family that loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want me to be, or who they think I am.

My issue now is my current life situation. I am still, at almost 47, birthday in less than a week, beatin my head against a wall, living paycheck to paycheck, in an upside down mortgage, unable to make the move.

I want a better life for my kids, my son, almost 30, my daughter, almost 9, and my granddaughter, almost 3. I do not see NJ ever breaking the cycle for any of us.

I will work until I die here, never being truly comfortable with any of my major life decisions. What will that teach my kids? That you can’t have, or do what you want because you are a wheel in someone elses machine?

I don’t want to be a wheel in someone elses machine, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone I care about to live their lives that way.

I refuse to teach my kids to make money for someone else. I want to teach them to make what they need, grow food, build things, fix things that are broken, etc., and be proud of what they’ve done.

After 47ish years of being part of the machine, how do you break away and start anew? I’ve been teaching my daughter the right path as far as people and materialism go, but only in theory, as we are not truly living it.

The conundrum is that it takes money from the system to break free of the system. Without complete upheaval and severe hardship. How the fuck does that work when you can’t save a dime towards the ultimate goal?

My ego (another topic for another day) is just about gone, I’ve been working on being true to myself and not caring about what others think.

I am giving this state/town 2 more school years, before my daughter hits the shit ass middle school in my town and I’m out. Whether I’ve reached my goal or not. I will not subject her brilliant mind to the complete ghetto ignorance that she will be exposed to.

As always, there is so much more I want to say, but time does not permit, as I have to get up early to go to work.

Thoughts?

THV

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