Feel

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So today, I sit on my couch for what feels like the first time in forever thinking..about being selfish. I really have never been, I mean maybe a little here and there about certain things, but not to the point of taking advantage of someone or neglecting my responsibilities for my own need.

I spent the whole week helping my son, barely making it to work one day because I was so exhausted, but I finished what I set out to do. No one’s approval of what I did was necessary.

And I realize that I can’t remember how long it’s been since I cared about my needs. I have kids, a granddaughter and pets. I am a mother before anything else. I take care of them first..

It is hard to be a working mother. You come home from work and you’re tired, but you still have a couple more hours of work to do when you get home. Last night I realized that I hadn’t eaten dinner at around 10pm. I proceeded to inhale a fajita and go to bed.

Tonight I am supposed to go to my work Christmas party. I wanted to go originally and because I am nosy and don’t want to miss anything, I still kind of want to go, but it doesn’t look like I have a babysitter, so I will stay home and do mom stuff. Maybe I’ll take a long, hot shower, who knows, but the point is, I’m ok with it, because I’m a mom and my kids always come first..

However, I realize that there is a balance that I need to maintain a little better. If I am not happy and comfortable with my life, I cannot make anyone else happy. My inner turmoil will show through, as it has been lately, and counteract all of my efforts.

I actually have goals for what I want my life to be now. Ironically, they are the re-realized goals of my childhood. When I was a child, I wanted to be like Grizzly Adams from TV. I wanted to live in the woods, by a river and have a pet bear. I was always told that was ridiculous. Well maybe the bear was a little ridiculous, he’d probably eat me..lol

I have learned a lot about myself this summer, much like when I moved to Seattle years ago, I spent a lot of time in the woods. I spent time getting to know people that live a much simpler life, much like the one I’ve always wanted. It is not ridiculous and it’s not impossible. I was only trying to be my natural self. It is where I belong.

When I lived in Seattle, life was not all peaches and cream, but most of the time, I only worked when my son was in school and we spent a lot of time outdoors. It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to my childhood dream life.

Since I returned to NJ, my outdoor time decreased exponentially as the years have passed. In the later part of this summer, I spent every other weekend in the woods at my camper in CT. Home 2.0. One of the best summers ever. Even though a lot of it was work, moving the camper and  re-setting it up on its new property.

CT holds a special place in my soul since I was born there, and most of my biological family are there. I have always wanted to live there and have set my goals on moving there sometime in the near future.

A lot of people here are very selfish in general, materialistic and have been spoon fed the capitalist agenda since birth and are focused on ‘more’. More money, more stuff, competing with the neighbors for who’s got the best everything.

I’ve  never wanted any of that. I want ‘enough’. Enough to live a life im proud of, enough to care for my family and friends, enough to share with those in need, etc.

I come from a few different heritages, but the one I feel most connected to is my Native American heritage. I have always identified more closely with the way they lived. Connected to nature and thankful for it all.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will be able to live the way I was meant to. Naturally and in harmony with all around me.

There is so much swimming in my head right now, I could probably go on for hours, but I have laundry to finish and a truck to unpack, so I will let this post end here. Maybe when I have a little more time to sit and post, I will continue these thoughts..

TTFN

THV

Control

My thoughts this evening are meandering toward the fact that I have had very little control over my life from almost day one.

I think being adopted has a lot to do with making me feel this way. I was adopted as a baby and moved to another state.

I have so much to say on this topic and how it shaped who I am but I would probably become A.D.D. girl and ramble on and not make much sense…

I will say that my current situation is bringing it to mind more often than not, and I know I need to address it soon, before it becomes a huge issue…

Later

THV

A not so little story

K. So I was born in CT. At 11 months old, I was adopted and moved to NJ.

As I grew up I was told that I was special because I was ‘chosen’. That never made sense to me because that meant that someone had to be willing to give me away in the first place.

I never felt that I belonged in NJ.  I never fit in and although I made friends easily, I never felt that they were truly my friends. I always felt that they felt sorry for me because I was adopted. (Story for another time)

I was able to move to Seattle for a while, (5 years) and instantly felt a freedom that I never felt in NJ.  I loved it there, but poor life choices and family obligations landed me back in NJ.

Fast forward to today.

I have met 99% of my biological family in CT Over the last almost 20 years, with the exception of my mother, (who doesn’t want to, for her own reasons, and after years of reflection, and therapy, I respect her decision)

I have found my ‘home’ in a sense, in CT, and feel that if I were able to move there, I could have what I always wanted, a large welcoming family that loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want me to be, or who they think I am.

My issue now is my current life situation. I am still, at almost 47, birthday in less than a week, beatin my head against a wall, living paycheck to paycheck, in an upside down mortgage, unable to make the move.

I want a better life for my kids, my son, almost 30, my daughter, almost 9, and my granddaughter, almost 3. I do not see NJ ever breaking the cycle for any of us.

I will work until I die here, never being truly comfortable with any of my major life decisions. What will that teach my kids? That you can’t have, or do what you want because you are a wheel in someone elses machine?

I don’t want to be a wheel in someone elses machine, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone I care about to live their lives that way.

I refuse to teach my kids to make money for someone else. I want to teach them to make what they need, grow food, build things, fix things that are broken, etc., and be proud of what they’ve done.

After 47ish years of being part of the machine, how do you break away and start anew? I’ve been teaching my daughter the right path as far as people and materialism go, but only in theory, as we are not truly living it.

The conundrum is that it takes money from the system to break free of the system. Without complete upheaval and severe hardship. How the fuck does that work when you can’t save a dime towards the ultimate goal?

My ego (another topic for another day) is just about gone, I’ve been working on being true to myself and not caring about what others think.

I am giving this state/town 2 more school years, before my daughter hits the shit ass middle school in my town and I’m out. Whether I’ve reached my goal or not. I will not subject her brilliant mind to the complete ghetto ignorance that she will be exposed to.

As always, there is so much more I want to say, but time does not permit, as I have to get up early to go to work.

Thoughts?

THV

Working, Lyme & Possibilities

Part I – Working & Lyme

OK, so I haven’t been feeling well lately. I have really bad allergies which usually turn into sinus infections that lead me into a Lyme re-occurrence.

I did find an organic sinus rejuvenation oil that was clearing up my sinuses while on vacation. It doesn’t seem to be doing much now, but I will keep using it, since they say it takes using a whole vial to feel the full effects.

I have been having aches and pains lately, strange ones, hard to explain what they feel like, but they are making me worry about my blood circulation.

Since I started working full-time again in May, I have switched from doing things around the house and barely sitting at all, to sitting at a desk all day long. I’m sure this has something to do with the aches. I am nowhere near as active as I was at home.

I have been checking the Lyme blogs and message boards for people with similar issues and found out that an issue that a lot of people seem to develop after having Lyme is fibromyalgia, chronic fatigue and Lyme arthritis.

They all advise regular exercise of some sort, changing diet and a lot of talk about doing regular cleanses of the bowels, liver, kidneys and so on.

I am tired of being sick. Even when I’m not sick, I’m sick. My depression is always an underlying issue that waits until all is well and then pops up to say hi.

I did 2 years or so of antibiotics when I was diagnosed with Lyme and then another year after a flare up from a sinus infection. I am thinking that maybe there’s a better way of dealing with all of this shit that doesn’t involve ‘Big Pharma’.

I know that living on Advil, iron pills, Valium and Wellbutrin is not good. They all have their own side effects that can end up being worse than the initial illness.

I’ve always said that I wasn’t designed to sit behind a desk. Ok, I’ve whined enough, on to…

Part II – Possibilities

In my post Vacation & Renewed Hope I mentioned possible headway with regards to meeting my birth mother. Well, I have the letter written and ready to send out to her. 45 years of wondering and wanting to meet her had me writing my life story, diarrhea of the pen.

My BFF knew I was going to have a hard time writing a short & sweet note to her just introducing myself. (In case you haven’t noticed, I tend to ramble.) so she sent me an email with what she thought I should say, which I used as a template to formulate it. I then emailed it to my sister that lives with her asking for her opinion, since it is important that I don’t scare her away. This is the closest I’ve come to opening communication with her to date. My sister then gave me some pointers on things that I shouldn’t mention and I rewrote it, being a little more detached. I tried to think of it as an editing project so that I could be objective.

I am going to print some pictures out and include them with the note. My sister said she was able to talk to her a little about me and that she didn’t get mad or shut the conversation down, so there’s still hope that this will turn out positive.

In closing, I guess what I am going to do is get the letter and pics sent and then concentrate on my health so that I don’t obsess while waiting for a response.

THV

Vacation & Renewed Hope

If you’re wondering where I’ve been lately, here’s the rundown.

I am going to try and make this short and sweet while I’m eating my lunch..

  1. I am working full time again and doing part time copy-editing from home.
  2. I went to Maine & Connecticut to visit some friends and family.

So on the vacation part, we went to visit my fiancee’s long time friend who moved to Sedgwick, Maine about a dozen years ago and has now started his own brewery. They were the coolest people and I can’t wait to go back and see them again. They hooked us up with a cabin to stay in for free. We had tons of food, including a fresh (straight off the boat) lobster/crab fest. My daughter had a sleepover with their daughter, went strawberry picking and helped take care of their ducks. We saw a bear outside the cabin!! We also went to Bar Harbor and Acadia National Park. It was rainy/foggy and cool the whole time.

From there we went to northeastern Connecticut, where I was born and where most of my biological (I’m adopted) family lives. We were supposed to set up our tent in my Aunt’s backyard, but with the threat of rain I asked if we could throw our sleeping bags on her floor. That turned into her boyfriend converting the living room into our bedroom while we were out visiting my other Aunt. Glad we got to stay in the house though, it never rained but was humid and hot. We would have melted in the tent. While there we visited all of my Aunts & Uncles, (except one who was sick) went to a local summer artisan street fair First Fridays, swam and BBQ’d at Quaddick Park. We ended up missing the fireworks in Putnam on Saturday night because my younger sister, who I haven’t had the chance to spend much time with since we met in 1995, had a cookout.

Here is where the renewed hope comes in. She used to shy away from spending time with me, for a variety of reasons, one of which was our mother. She has always lived with and taken care of her. She (our mother) didn’t want to meet me at all and for years wouldn’t even discuss me with my 2 sisters. (I was the only one she didn’t keep). I assumed that if our mother was still living with her, she wouldn’t have invited me, but surprise! Our mother does still live with her. She has her own 2 rooms upstairs and did not come out to the cookout because there were too many people there for her to feel comfortable. BUT, she knew I was there and was ok with it as long as she wasn’t bothered.

OK, that’s a lot better than I expected. I knew she was there and it was hard to not pressure for a meeting, but being allowed on the same property at the same time was a HUGE step, so I let it go. I did ask my sister to ask her when she brought her dinner up, but she said there were too many people for her to come down and her rooms are off-limits. (like me, she likes animals more than most people) On the way back home the next day, I text-ed my sister to thank her for inviting us and to tell her how happy I was that we were able to spend more time together that day than all our previous meetings combined. This evolved into a 2 hour text conversation about how much she wants to get the family back together. She made no promises, but said she will work on a meeting for me with our mother. I’m not going to go into all of the private details, but I found out a lot more about her and I am hopeful that my sister can get her to agree.

We also agreed that I should write her a letter. I am trying to formulate what to say because, lets face it, I have 44 years of unanswered questions that I don’t want to bombard her with. She’d never want to meet me then. LOL. I am hoping that I can put all the questions behind me and start with a clean slate. She gave me up for a reason, one I won’t ask about. It was probably a very painful decision that she had to make. Being a mother myself, I can’t imagine either of my kids not being with me. She could be wallowing in that and be afraid to meet me because she may think I’m mad at her. Maybe she thinks I just want to tell her off, then she’d have to lose me all over again. I dunno, just speculation there, anyway I want to ease some of this wonder and pain for both of us by living in the now..

I have to let go of the whys and hows and not expect answers. I have to just be content with the fact that there is now a maybe where there once was a NEVER.

THV