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So today, I sit on my couch for what feels like the first time in forever thinking..about being selfish. I really have never been, I mean maybe a little here and there about certain things, but not to the point of taking advantage of someone or neglecting my responsibilities for my own need.

I spent the whole week helping my son, barely making it to work one day because I was so exhausted, but I finished what I set out to do. No one’s approval of what I did was necessary.

And I realize that I can’t remember how long it’s been since I cared about my needs. I have kids, a granddaughter and pets. I am a mother before anything else. I take care of them first..

It is hard to be a working mother. You come home from work and you’re tired, but you still have a couple more hours of work to do when you get home. Last night I realized that I hadn’t eaten dinner at around 10pm. I proceeded to inhale a fajita and go to bed.

Tonight I am supposed to go to my work Christmas party. I wanted to go originally and because I am nosy and don’t want to miss anything, I still kind of want to go, but it doesn’t look like I have a babysitter, so I will stay home and do mom stuff. Maybe I’ll take a long, hot shower, who knows, but the point is, I’m ok with it, because I’m a mom and my kids always come first..

However, I realize that there is a balance that I need to maintain a little better. If I am not happy and comfortable with my life, I cannot make anyone else happy. My inner turmoil will show through, as it has been lately, and counteract all of my efforts.

I actually have goals for what I want my life to be now. Ironically, they are the re-realized goals of my childhood. When I was a child, I wanted to be like Grizzly Adams from TV. I wanted to live in the woods, by a river and have a pet bear. I was always told that was ridiculous. Well maybe the bear was a little ridiculous, he’d probably eat me..lol

I have learned a lot about myself this summer, much like when I moved to Seattle years ago, I spent a lot of time in the woods. I spent time getting to know people that live a much simpler life, much like the one I’ve always wanted. It is not ridiculous and it’s not impossible. I was only trying to be my natural self. It is where I belong.

When I lived in Seattle, life was not all peaches and cream, but most of the time, I only worked when my son was in school and we spent a lot of time outdoors. It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to my childhood dream life.

Since I returned to NJ, my outdoor time decreased exponentially as the years have passed. In the later part of this summer, I spent every other weekend in the woods at my camper in CT. Home 2.0. One of the best summers ever. Even though a lot of it was work, moving the camper and  re-setting it up on its new property.

CT holds a special place in my soul since I was born there, and most of my biological family are there. I have always wanted to live there and have set my goals on moving there sometime in the near future.

A lot of people here are very selfish in general, materialistic and have been spoon fed the capitalist agenda since birth and are focused on ‘more’. More money, more stuff, competing with the neighbors for who’s got the best everything.

I’ve  never wanted any of that. I want ‘enough’. Enough to live a life im proud of, enough to care for my family and friends, enough to share with those in need, etc.

I come from a few different heritages, but the one I feel most connected to is my Native American heritage. I have always identified more closely with the way they lived. Connected to nature and thankful for it all.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will be able to live the way I was meant to. Naturally and in harmony with all around me.

There is so much swimming in my head right now, I could probably go on for hours, but I have laundry to finish and a truck to unpack, so I will let this post end here. Maybe when I have a little more time to sit and post, I will continue these thoughts..

TTFN

THV

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Deconstructing and rebuilding

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the life that I’ve been living and the never ending cycle of bills, work, capitalism, environmentalism, and so on.

I am feeling very trapped in the system and need to deconstruct its hold on me and start over in a lifestyle that is more true to my nature.

My mind has been working overtime thinking of ways to accomplish this goal before I am too old to really do it.

I think my step one is going to be cutting expenses and getting rid of my debt..that’s the hardest one to accomplish so I’m going to start small and work my way through it so I don’t get frustrated and give up.

Will post when I have made any progress..

Later

THV

A not so little story

K. So I was born in CT. At 11 months old, I was adopted and moved to NJ.

As I grew up I was told that I was special because I was ‘chosen’. That never made sense to me because that meant that someone had to be willing to give me away in the first place.

I never felt that I belonged in NJ.  I never fit in and although I made friends easily, I never felt that they were truly my friends. I always felt that they felt sorry for me because I was adopted. (Story for another time)

I was able to move to Seattle for a while, (5 years) and instantly felt a freedom that I never felt in NJ.  I loved it there, but poor life choices and family obligations landed me back in NJ.

Fast forward to today.

I have met 99% of my biological family in CT Over the last almost 20 years, with the exception of my mother, (who doesn’t want to, for her own reasons, and after years of reflection, and therapy, I respect her decision)

I have found my ‘home’ in a sense, in CT, and feel that if I were able to move there, I could have what I always wanted, a large welcoming family that loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want me to be, or who they think I am.

My issue now is my current life situation. I am still, at almost 47, birthday in less than a week, beatin my head against a wall, living paycheck to paycheck, in an upside down mortgage, unable to make the move.

I want a better life for my kids, my son, almost 30, my daughter, almost 9, and my granddaughter, almost 3. I do not see NJ ever breaking the cycle for any of us.

I will work until I die here, never being truly comfortable with any of my major life decisions. What will that teach my kids? That you can’t have, or do what you want because you are a wheel in someone elses machine?

I don’t want to be a wheel in someone elses machine, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone I care about to live their lives that way.

I refuse to teach my kids to make money for someone else. I want to teach them to make what they need, grow food, build things, fix things that are broken, etc., and be proud of what they’ve done.

After 47ish years of being part of the machine, how do you break away and start anew? I’ve been teaching my daughter the right path as far as people and materialism go, but only in theory, as we are not truly living it.

The conundrum is that it takes money from the system to break free of the system. Without complete upheaval and severe hardship. How the fuck does that work when you can’t save a dime towards the ultimate goal?

My ego (another topic for another day) is just about gone, I’ve been working on being true to myself and not caring about what others think.

I am giving this state/town 2 more school years, before my daughter hits the shit ass middle school in my town and I’m out. Whether I’ve reached my goal or not. I will not subject her brilliant mind to the complete ghetto ignorance that she will be exposed to.

As always, there is so much more I want to say, but time does not permit, as I have to get up early to go to work.

Thoughts?

THV

Hello old friend

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since February. I have so many things going on both in life and in my head, that I have no time to post.

Partially because there is so much I want to say, that I don’t have the time, and I can’t seem to oganize the buildup of thoughts into anything that would make sense.

I guess ill start with a basic run down of whats been going on.

My job that I started in February has been going good. The job is fairly easy and the people are nice.

I’ve been getting up to the camper in CT twice a month, which was my plan for the summer. I have to move it though, cause my friends that have it in their yard are selling their house. Campground, here I come..

I had to put my dog to sleep. He was old and his body was shutting down.

I have had a plumber out to fix the leak from the upstairs neighbors shower that has wrecked my bathroom for the umpteenth time and I got a new breaker box installed due to the condo updating the whole electrical system.

I have concluded that I am not depressed, even though I feel like the walls are closing in on me again, I recognize that I’m in fact sad, disappointed, trapped and unfulfilled in this ‘work to live’ society that I am stuck in.

Enough on that, before I get on a rant of epic proportions and am writing the longest blog post in history..

Hope to post again soon, before all these thoughts start spilling out of my head (or worse, my mouth) and make a big mess.

Laterz
THV

Working mom

So here I sit, wondering when I will stop floundering through life and actually get to live a little instead of working to survive.

I was raised by a mother that stayed home and took care of her family while my father worked to provide for that family. That’s what I thought I would be doing when I became a mother.

Instead, I had to be mother, father and sibling to my son while working full time to support us. Now he’s grown and has his own child to support. Needless to say, wasn’t easy and I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but all in all, we did ok.

Now I am a grandmother with a young daughter to provide for as well. Guess what, I am still working full time, living paycheck to paycheck and don’t have time for much.

I know that they say you need to ‘be the change you want to see’, but who has time to make it happen when as usual, survival is #1 priority.

So, tell me, oh wise ones, where is the break I’ve been so needing this past 30 or so years. When can I have the job I love, caring for the people I love and being creative? When can this rat race roller coaster let me go a little and let me have the life I’ve always dreamed of.

All I really want is a simpler life, I want to grow food, make things, cook and clean and most of all, be there for my family. I’m tired of saying, sorry I can’t go baby, mommy has to work, or, I worked all day and I’m tired.

One day I’ll be gone and I don’t want that to be my kids most common memory of me.

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“And Tired Always Follows Sick”

So I am tired and need to vent a bit. Got a minute, or 70?

Lately I have been fighting sinus issues more than usual. This winter has been brutal on my sinuses and I can’t tell if it has to do with the temperature, my allergies or some unidentified pollutant.

My bathroom ceiling is a mess, again, because of the tenants upstairs. They do not put their shower curtain inside the tub when they shower, so I now (again) have a leak in my bathroom ceiling. The owner upstairs is trying to get them out because it seems that they don’t like to pay rent either. They can’t leave soon enough.

I am working full time again as of the first of the year and running my daughter to Taekwondo and Gymnastics, on top of helping her with these projects that she gets every month, (2 a month, part of the gifted program) which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for anything else.

So needless to say I am in the throes of a winter meltdown, again, as usual.

My new question is this. Is society so broken that we do not see the benefit of having a mother stay at home and be a mother, instead of running around like a lunatic and being too stressed to teach her kids the important stuff in life? Where did the sense of community go?

When women burned their bras and protested for equality, where were the women that liked things the way they were? Couldn’t there have been a compromise? There is no way to be a ‘stay at home’ mom without a man supporting you.

We are all slaves to the system and there isn’t an easy way out unless you have money. Schooling has changed so drastically that they don’t teach you how to care for a home, cook, clean, grow things, etc. What happened to home ec?

They don’t teach you in school that you are working for someone else’s wealth. They teach you that to be successful, you have to work for someone else and become a consumer. Period. Make the money to buy the stuff that makes you look successful, again and again..

Our schools now are worker bee factories. Get used to the schedule, follow the rules, don’t question authority, learn how to be a good worker.

I am not religious but I have to say, the Amish seem to have the right idea. Their system is flawed, are most religions, but I think the intention is good and at the core is community and health.

I think it’s time to create a pseudo-Amish community. Let’s see what it takes to create a ‘religion’…

Well I’ve vented the tip of the iceberg.. There will be more soon.

THV