Control

My thoughts this evening are meandering toward the fact that I have had very little control over my life from almost day one.

I think being adopted has a lot to do with making me feel this way. I was adopted as a baby and moved to another state.

I have so much to say on this topic and how it shaped who I am but I would probably become A.D.D. girl and ramble on and not make much sense…

I will say that my current situation is bringing it to mind more often than not, and I know I need to address it soon, before it becomes a huge issue…

Later

THV

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A not so little story

K. So I was born in CT. At 11 months old, I was adopted and moved to NJ.

As I grew up I was told that I was special because I was ‘chosen’. That never made sense to me because that meant that someone had to be willing to give me away in the first place.

I never felt that I belonged in NJ.  I never fit in and although I made friends easily, I never felt that they were truly my friends. I always felt that they felt sorry for me because I was adopted. (Story for another time)

I was able to move to Seattle for a while, (5 years) and instantly felt a freedom that I never felt in NJ.  I loved it there, but poor life choices and family obligations landed me back in NJ.

Fast forward to today.

I have met 99% of my biological family in CT Over the last almost 20 years, with the exception of my mother, (who doesn’t want to, for her own reasons, and after years of reflection, and therapy, I respect her decision)

I have found my ‘home’ in a sense, in CT, and feel that if I were able to move there, I could have what I always wanted, a large welcoming family that loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want me to be, or who they think I am.

My issue now is my current life situation. I am still, at almost 47, birthday in less than a week, beatin my head against a wall, living paycheck to paycheck, in an upside down mortgage, unable to make the move.

I want a better life for my kids, my son, almost 30, my daughter, almost 9, and my granddaughter, almost 3. I do not see NJ ever breaking the cycle for any of us.

I will work until I die here, never being truly comfortable with any of my major life decisions. What will that teach my kids? That you can’t have, or do what you want because you are a wheel in someone elses machine?

I don’t want to be a wheel in someone elses machine, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone I care about to live their lives that way.

I refuse to teach my kids to make money for someone else. I want to teach them to make what they need, grow food, build things, fix things that are broken, etc., and be proud of what they’ve done.

After 47ish years of being part of the machine, how do you break away and start anew? I’ve been teaching my daughter the right path as far as people and materialism go, but only in theory, as we are not truly living it.

The conundrum is that it takes money from the system to break free of the system. Without complete upheaval and severe hardship. How the fuck does that work when you can’t save a dime towards the ultimate goal?

My ego (another topic for another day) is just about gone, I’ve been working on being true to myself and not caring about what others think.

I am giving this state/town 2 more school years, before my daughter hits the shit ass middle school in my town and I’m out. Whether I’ve reached my goal or not. I will not subject her brilliant mind to the complete ghetto ignorance that she will be exposed to.

As always, there is so much more I want to say, but time does not permit, as I have to get up early to go to work.

Thoughts?

THV

Selfish Selfless & Balance

So I’m still trying to treat myself better and address my needs more.

It’s not always easy to find the balance when you are in a relationship or have children.

You need to care for others because you are a parent or a partner, but you can’t always ignore your needs to make others happy.

On the other hand, you can’t blow off your responsibilities because you want a pedicure. Lol.

For example, if I told my daughter I couldn’t take her to school on Monday because I wanted to sleep late, I would be sending her the message that her education is less important to me than sleep.

That is pretty selfish and would do lasting damage to our relationship. (It’s also a completely ridiculous analogy, unfortunately, I know there are people that wouldn’t think this was a big deal)

I guess the most important thing to remember is that there are people that rely on you, but there has to be a balance between what you need to do and what you want to do.

Your family and friends love you and if you tell them what you need, they will understand and help you just as you would them. It’s part of team work.

Like the lottery commercial says, ‘you gotta be in it to win it’ Well, that applies to life too, you have to speak your needs, or no one will know what you want.

THV

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Yay Me!!

So I had 2 interviews with the same company last week, and a meeting today to affirm that I in fact will be working there. I will be starting next Monday on a part-time to start, then transitioning to full-time, in about a months time.

I am excited and a little nervous, as this job will be a departure from my most recent work history. I am actually going to be using mostly self taught skills and moving into a totally different career path than bookkeeping. I must say that I am so glad that I am trying something new now as my last few bookkeeper jobs have been through the recession and I am tired of a) forensic accounting, and b) trying to manage money that doesn’t exist..

If I never see another QuickBooks screen, it will be too soon..

Wish me luck!

ttyl8r

THV

Grateful-Perspective

Ok I need to write this down because I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately, my house is too small, I don’t make enough $, I need to drop a few pounds, etc.

My other half is always telling me to try to see where we are now from where we’ve come and be glad that I’ve made such progress.

I have a hard time seeing through the depressive fog to see that things are actually better than they were. I still have so far to go.

Yesterday while I was being pissy because instead of going to Pride in Asbury, I was home cleaning, I got a sharp reminder of how good my life is compared to others.

Without going into too much detail, I have a friend that is being treated poorly by her adult child that she lives with. I am grateful that I know that my kids would never treat me badly or make me live in unhealthy conditions.

I know another person that is in the same situation my parents were in when me and my ex lived with them. If this person was anything like my parents were, or I am now, the ‘kids wouldn’t be desperately trying to get the hell out of there. I am grateful that I am not the one they are trying to escape from.

So the bottom line is this; my house may be barely big enough for us, but my heart makes it 10 times bigger. I have taken in friends in need without a thought to how crowded it would be. If I had half the house this other person has, my door would always be open to family in need and I would feel lucky to have the extra time with them.

I need to remind myself more often how lucky I am.

THV

Mama Drama 4

Well the drama came to a head and I have decided to take the high road and ignore this nut case.
Another text message of threats and lies came in and after talking to the guidance counselor I have decided to ignore her and only report to him if she mentions my daughter directly.
She had called my daughter a bully this last time and threatened to call a meeting with the entire school board.
So the next day, after I reported the threat to the guidance counselor, I see her talking outside the school with him. 
He calls me an hour later in reply to my earlier report and says that she never mentioned anything about our kids or a meeting, she was just chatting about other stuff.
He is checking with the kids every day to make sure they are ok and that this drama isn’t leaking into their school life.
So instead of pulling her in for a meeting and stirring the pot off shit that she’s brewing, I am ignoring her, she’s just trying to get a rise out of me and I’m not giving it to her.
Suck on that you loon!

THV

Mama Drama 3

Mama Drama 3

Ok this shit is getting even more ridiculous. My daughter invited some, not all, of the kids in her class to her birthday party. 1st kids party she’s had in 2 years and it’s going to be almost 2 months after her actual birthday. She was limited to 15 invites and 3 of them aren’t even in her class.

The drama mama’s kid wasn’t invited and she has now threatened to sabotage the party by inviting kids to do something with her and her son on the same day.

Actual quote via text;
‘Nice job hurting a child, ‘insert child name here’ mom called me and they will be going to the museum and dinner maybe we will invite other classmates the same day s the party, good luck with attendance’

My very civil reply;
‘Wasn’t intentional. There were limited invites. He wasn’t the only one not invited.’

She had since called one other parent that I know of and had probably called more.

I have notified the school, again, and am hoping that they can do something to put an end to this madness. My next option is to file a civil complaint for harassment.

Mama Drama 2

THV