So today, I sit on my couch for what feels like the first time in forever thinking..about being selfish. I really have never been, I mean maybe a little here and there about certain things, but not to the point of taking advantage of someone or neglecting my responsibilities for my own need.

I spent the whole week helping my son, barely making it to work one day because I was so exhausted, but I finished what I set out to do. No one’s approval of what I did was necessary.

And I realize that I can’t remember how long it’s been since I cared about my needs. I have kids, a granddaughter and pets. I am a mother before anything else. I take care of them first..

It is hard to be a working mother. You come home from work and you’re tired, but you still have a couple more hours of work to do when you get home. Last night I realized that I hadn’t eaten dinner at around 10pm. I proceeded to inhale a fajita and go to bed.

Tonight I am supposed to go to my work Christmas party. I wanted to go originally and because I am nosy and don’t want to miss anything, I still kind of want to go, but it doesn’t look like I have a babysitter, so I will stay home and do mom stuff. Maybe I’ll take a long, hot shower, who knows, but the point is, I’m ok with it, because I’m a mom and my kids always come first..

However, I realize that there is a balance that I need to maintain a little better. If I am not happy and comfortable with my life, I cannot make anyone else happy. My inner turmoil will show through, as it has been lately, and counteract all of my efforts.

I actually have goals for what I want my life to be now. Ironically, they are the re-realized goals of my childhood. When I was a child, I wanted to be like Grizzly Adams from TV. I wanted to live in the woods, by a river and have a pet bear. I was always told that was ridiculous. Well maybe the bear was a little ridiculous, he’d probably eat me..lol

I have learned a lot about myself this summer, much like when I moved to Seattle years ago, I spent a lot of time in the woods. I spent time getting to know people that live a much simpler life, much like the one I’ve always wanted. It is not ridiculous and it’s not impossible. I was only trying to be my natural self. It is where I belong.

When I lived in Seattle, life was not all peaches and cream, but most of the time, I only worked when my son was in school and we spent a lot of time outdoors. It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to my childhood dream life.

Since I returned to NJ, my outdoor time decreased exponentially as the years have passed. In the later part of this summer, I spent every other weekend in the woods at my camper in CT. Home 2.0. One of the best summers ever. Even though a lot of it was work, moving the camper and  re-setting it up on its new property.

CT holds a special place in my soul since I was born there, and most of my biological family are there. I have always wanted to live there and have set my goals on moving there sometime in the near future.

A lot of people here are very selfish in general, materialistic and have been spoon fed the capitalist agenda since birth and are focused on ‘more’. More money, more stuff, competing with the neighbors for who’s got the best everything.

I’ve  never wanted any of that. I want ‘enough’. Enough to live a life im proud of, enough to care for my family and friends, enough to share with those in need, etc.

I come from a few different heritages, but the one I feel most connected to is my Native American heritage. I have always identified more closely with the way they lived. Connected to nature and thankful for it all.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will be able to live the way I was meant to. Naturally and in harmony with all around me.

There is so much swimming in my head right now, I could probably go on for hours, but I have laundry to finish and a truck to unpack, so I will let this post end here. Maybe when I have a little more time to sit and post, I will continue these thoughts..




“And Tired Always Follows Sick”

So I am tired and need to vent a bit. Got a minute, or 70?

Lately I have been fighting sinus issues more than usual. This winter has been brutal on my sinuses and I can’t tell if it has to do with the temperature, my allergies or some unidentified pollutant.

My bathroom ceiling is a mess, again, because of the tenants upstairs. They do not put their shower curtain inside the tub when they shower, so I now (again) have a leak in my bathroom ceiling. The owner upstairs is trying to get them out because it seems that they don’t like to pay rent either. They can’t leave soon enough.

I am working full time again as of the first of the year and running my daughter to Taekwondo and Gymnastics, on top of helping her with these projects that she gets every month, (2 a month, part of the gifted program) which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for anything else.

So needless to say I am in the throes of a winter meltdown, again, as usual.

My new question is this. Is society so broken that we do not see the benefit of having a mother stay at home and be a mother, instead of running around like a lunatic and being too stressed to teach her kids the important stuff in life? Where did the sense of community go?

When women burned their bras and protested for equality, where were the women that liked things the way they were? Couldn’t there have been a compromise? There is no way to be a ‘stay at home’ mom without a man supporting you.

We are all slaves to the system and there isn’t an easy way out unless you have money. Schooling has changed so drastically that they don’t teach you how to care for a home, cook, clean, grow things, etc. What happened to home ec?

They don’t teach you in school that you are working for someone else’s wealth. They teach you that to be successful, you have to work for someone else and become a consumer. Period. Make the money to buy the stuff that makes you look successful, again and again..

Our schools now are worker bee factories. Get used to the schedule, follow the rules, don’t question authority, learn how to be a good worker.

I am not religious but I have to say, the Amish seem to have the right idea. Their system is flawed, are most religions, but I think the intention is good and at the core is community and health.

I think it’s time to create a pseudo-Amish community. Let’s see what it takes to create a ‘religion’…

Well I’ve vented the tip of the iceberg.. There will be more soon.



So tomorrow is the big day and I have now lost my voice.

I have not gone through my closet for work clothes and the thought of taking a shower is giving me the chills.

I started taking oregano oil last night trying to replace the need for antibiotics since they screw up everything else.

With Lyme, I know that I feel worse than I should with a sinus infection, but when I resort to antibiotics, I end taking them for extra long periods and I end up with other Lyme related issues that try to fight back against the antibiotics.

In short, between my apple cider vinegar regimen and the oregano oil, I smell like a pizza  place. Hope the new boss likes pizza.

Think I’m going to crawl up with some tea and a book while I listen to my Seahawks game on t.v..


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Step 3

I know it’s been a while, but I haven’t really had a whole lot of time to check in.

I edited another book and my daughter is taking Taekwondo twice a week, gymnastics once a week and girl scouts, so I’ve been running her around a bit. All while working 9-5. Oh and we are also learning to knit and crochet.

So since my last post
the anti resolution, I have continued, albeit slowly, to get healthier. Homemade Deoderant still going, organic vitamins, probiotics and supplements, and I have been drinking the Apple cider vinegar tonic daily. I haven’t really exercised much. I tried planking in the mornings, once a day for like 3 days but then my daughter decided to be a problem getting up on time and there went that.

Thanks to the government forcing me to get health care, I finally went to the Dr after 3 years. He applauded my healthy choices and gave me a suggestion for the Deoderant once summer comes if it isn’t as effective.

I have also discovered Trader Joe’s grocery store. Their store brand products are non gmo and don’t contain any of the taboo ingredients that I’ve been trying to avoid, like the high fructose corn syrup and hydrogenated everything. The breakfast cereals are no more expensive than the name brands in the regular grocery store. I am going to try to shop there for as much stuff as I can. I am still planning on plantings, but the weather here has been so wonky lately, and my time limited, that I haven’t started yet.

I have replaced white sugar with the raw turbinado sugar as well and I’ve traded in McDonald’s lunch for a bowl of oatmeal most days. Sometimes I bring leftovers or a sandwich from home, and other times I breakdown and walk across the lot for McDonald’s.

The weather is starting to get better, fingers crossed that it stays, I will be trying to take a break during work to walk, even if it’s just around the outside of the building a couple times after lunch, it’s better than nothing. Maybe I can try getting in the planking habit at a different time of day.



The Anti-Resolution

Ok, I survived the holidays. My Mom moved to FL the day after christmas, which made it sadder than usual. At least I got to spend cristmas eve and day with her before she left. Being that she has a 15 minute short term memory, it was a little easier to say goodbye. I was saying goodbye for her move and she thought I was just saying goodbye because I was going to work. Hard on me, easier on her.

I have been talking a lot lately about getting healthier and doing things in a more organic way. I am still using my home made deodorant, which has been going well, although I have been having a little irritation due to a pH imbalance issue, I investigated the issue and found that it is quite common and the solution ties in with another thing that I’ve been meaning to buy, apple cider vinegar. 1 tsp to 1 cup water applied before deodorant.

As I mentioned previousley in Step 2, I was going to start drinking a daily apple cider tonic. I have not gotten the organic apple cider vinegar as of yet, but I did try a prepared grape infused one from a health food store and it was pretty good. Next trip to the grocery store I will get my vinegar.

I also have been trying to figure out how to fit a little excercise into my daily routine. I’m thinking that maybe I can do some stretches, a few situps and a push up or two when I get home from work. I was initially thinking morning, but with getting my daughter up and ready while I am as well, I know I won’t follow through. I am going to try setting a reminder in my phone to remind me when I get home.

I have also been investigating different window garden ideas. As most of you know from my past posts, I live in a small condo with no yard, so I can’t really plant outside. Also, being in the Northeast, there is no winter growing, so I want to use my dining room window (which I never open) as the framework for a mini indoor greenhouse. I have seen many different designs and I’m kind of liking the hanging repurposed bottle idea.


I probably wouldn’t do the electric pump and reservoir, I’d water it by hand. I’m a little concerned about the use of plastic and chemicals leeching into my food, but I will look into it more before I do anything.

I’d like to plan some herbs, greens and maybe a couple of veggies or fruits. The other idea I like is using old windows and making my own window greenhouse like the ones that you can buy, but they protrude outside of the house, so I would have to make it so that it came inward instead.


I think since I never use that window anyway, I could use the top and bottom of the window giving me more shelves than the commercially made ones like below.


So I guess to sum it all up, I’m not really making a resolution to change something about me that I don’t like, I’m resolving to continue on my previous path of getting myself and my family healthier and more self-sufficient. I don’t trust the food that I buy in the stores anymore for the most part, so if I grow some of it myself, I can assure that we are not eating pesticides and GMO’s. I hope to someday have some land so that I can grow most of my own food on.

Oh and I also plan on learning to can my own stuff, that way I can cook fresh veggies, and make stews and soups, can them and have healthy stuff in the pantry instead of commercially canned goods with all the chemicals and preservatives in them.

Happy New Year!


Step 2

So I’ve been using the deodorant that I made in my last post. So far so good.

The first couple days my underarms were a little irritated, probably because of all the scrubbing I had to do to get the chemical stuff off.

Since then it’s been fine. I think making this change in the winter was a good idea because it’ll give my body time to adjust before the serious sweating of summer comes. Lol

I think the next step is going to be a daily Apple cider vinegar tonic to help balance my bodies ph level. I have to get some ph test strips and see where I’m at. With the Lyme disease I’m probably out of wack.

I also have to try and fit in some exercise somewhere, sitting all day at work is making me so stiff and sore that I feel like I’m 90.

Will update progress as I go.




Step 1

Ok so after writing my last post, I spent about an hour getting the scent of my antiperspirant off my hands and out of my nose. (Kitchen sink still smells like it a little)

I then went to the store to get baking soda so I could make my own homemade deodorant. I had everything else in the cupboard, even the organic coconut oil, but I was low on the baking soda.

Anyway. I made it and it smells good. It’s the consistency of a thick hand cream, which is good because you don’t need to use much. I put it in a small glass dessert bowl with a lid.

We shall see how it goes.