Feel

image

So today, I sit on my couch for what feels like the first time in forever thinking..about being selfish. I really have never been, I mean maybe a little here and there about certain things, but not to the point of taking advantage of someone or neglecting my responsibilities for my own need.

I spent the whole week helping my son, barely making it to work one day because I was so exhausted, but I finished what I set out to do. No one’s approval of what I did was necessary.

And I realize that I can’t remember how long it’s been since I cared about my needs. I have kids, a granddaughter and pets. I am a mother before anything else. I take care of them first..

It is hard to be a working mother. You come home from work and you’re tired, but you still have a couple more hours of work to do when you get home. Last night I realized that I hadn’t eaten dinner at around 10pm. I proceeded to inhale a fajita and go to bed.

Tonight I am supposed to go to my work Christmas party. I wanted to go originally and because I am nosy and don’t want to miss anything, I still kind of want to go, but it doesn’t look like I have a babysitter, so I will stay home and do mom stuff. Maybe I’ll take a long, hot shower, who knows, but the point is, I’m ok with it, because I’m a mom and my kids always come first..

However, I realize that there is a balance that I need to maintain a little better. If I am not happy and comfortable with my life, I cannot make anyone else happy. My inner turmoil will show through, as it has been lately, and counteract all of my efforts.

I actually have goals for what I want my life to be now. Ironically, they are the re-realized goals of my childhood. When I was a child, I wanted to be like Grizzly Adams from TV. I wanted to live in the woods, by a river and have a pet bear. I was always told that was ridiculous. Well maybe the bear was a little ridiculous, he’d probably eat me..lol

I have learned a lot about myself this summer, much like when I moved to Seattle years ago, I spent a lot of time in the woods. I spent time getting to know people that live a much simpler life, much like the one I’ve always wanted. It is not ridiculous and it’s not impossible. I was only trying to be my natural self. It is where I belong.

When I lived in Seattle, life was not all peaches and cream, but most of the time, I only worked when my son was in school and we spent a lot of time outdoors. It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to my childhood dream life.

Since I returned to NJ, my outdoor time decreased exponentially as the years have passed. In the later part of this summer, I spent every other weekend in the woods at my camper in CT. Home 2.0. One of the best summers ever. Even though a lot of it was work, moving the camper and  re-setting it up on its new property.

CT holds a special place in my soul since I was born there, and most of my biological family are there. I have always wanted to live there and have set my goals on moving there sometime in the near future.

A lot of people here are very selfish in general, materialistic and have been spoon fed the capitalist agenda since birth and are focused on ‘more’. More money, more stuff, competing with the neighbors for who’s got the best everything.

I’ve  never wanted any of that. I want ‘enough’. Enough to live a life im proud of, enough to care for my family and friends, enough to share with those in need, etc.

I come from a few different heritages, but the one I feel most connected to is my Native American heritage. I have always identified more closely with the way they lived. Connected to nature and thankful for it all.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will be able to live the way I was meant to. Naturally and in harmony with all around me.

There is so much swimming in my head right now, I could probably go on for hours, but I have laundry to finish and a truck to unpack, so I will let this post end here. Maybe when I have a little more time to sit and post, I will continue these thoughts..

TTFN

THV

Advertisements

A not so little story

K. So I was born in CT. At 11 months old, I was adopted and moved to NJ.

As I grew up I was told that I was special because I was ‘chosen’. That never made sense to me because that meant that someone had to be willing to give me away in the first place.

I never felt that I belonged in NJ.  I never fit in and although I made friends easily, I never felt that they were truly my friends. I always felt that they felt sorry for me because I was adopted. (Story for another time)

I was able to move to Seattle for a while, (5 years) and instantly felt a freedom that I never felt in NJ.  I loved it there, but poor life choices and family obligations landed me back in NJ.

Fast forward to today.

I have met 99% of my biological family in CT Over the last almost 20 years, with the exception of my mother, (who doesn’t want to, for her own reasons, and after years of reflection, and therapy, I respect her decision)

I have found my ‘home’ in a sense, in CT, and feel that if I were able to move there, I could have what I always wanted, a large welcoming family that loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want me to be, or who they think I am.

My issue now is my current life situation. I am still, at almost 47, birthday in less than a week, beatin my head against a wall, living paycheck to paycheck, in an upside down mortgage, unable to make the move.

I want a better life for my kids, my son, almost 30, my daughter, almost 9, and my granddaughter, almost 3. I do not see NJ ever breaking the cycle for any of us.

I will work until I die here, never being truly comfortable with any of my major life decisions. What will that teach my kids? That you can’t have, or do what you want because you are a wheel in someone elses machine?

I don’t want to be a wheel in someone elses machine, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone I care about to live their lives that way.

I refuse to teach my kids to make money for someone else. I want to teach them to make what they need, grow food, build things, fix things that are broken, etc., and be proud of what they’ve done.

After 47ish years of being part of the machine, how do you break away and start anew? I’ve been teaching my daughter the right path as far as people and materialism go, but only in theory, as we are not truly living it.

The conundrum is that it takes money from the system to break free of the system. Without complete upheaval and severe hardship. How the fuck does that work when you can’t save a dime towards the ultimate goal?

My ego (another topic for another day) is just about gone, I’ve been working on being true to myself and not caring about what others think.

I am giving this state/town 2 more school years, before my daughter hits the shit ass middle school in my town and I’m out. Whether I’ve reached my goal or not. I will not subject her brilliant mind to the complete ghetto ignorance that she will be exposed to.

As always, there is so much more I want to say, but time does not permit, as I have to get up early to go to work.

Thoughts?

THV

Selfish Selfless & Balance

So I’m still trying to treat myself better and address my needs more.

It’s not always easy to find the balance when you are in a relationship or have children.

You need to care for others because you are a parent or a partner, but you can’t always ignore your needs to make others happy.

On the other hand, you can’t blow off your responsibilities because you want a pedicure. Lol.

For example, if I told my daughter I couldn’t take her to school on Monday because I wanted to sleep late, I would be sending her the message that her education is less important to me than sleep.

That is pretty selfish and would do lasting damage to our relationship. (It’s also a completely ridiculous analogy, unfortunately, I know there are people that wouldn’t think this was a big deal)

I guess the most important thing to remember is that there are people that rely on you, but there has to be a balance between what you need to do and what you want to do.

Your family and friends love you and if you tell them what you need, they will understand and help you just as you would them. It’s part of team work.

Like the lottery commercial says, ‘you gotta be in it to win it’ Well, that applies to life too, you have to speak your needs, or no one will know what you want.

THV

Posted from WordPress for Android

Working mom

So here I sit, wondering when I will stop floundering through life and actually get to live a little instead of working to survive.

I was raised by a mother that stayed home and took care of her family while my father worked to provide for that family. That’s what I thought I would be doing when I became a mother.

Instead, I had to be mother, father and sibling to my son while working full time to support us. Now he’s grown and has his own child to support. Needless to say, wasn’t easy and I made a lot of mistakes along the way, but all in all, we did ok.

Now I am a grandmother with a young daughter to provide for as well. Guess what, I am still working full time, living paycheck to paycheck and don’t have time for much.

I know that they say you need to ‘be the change you want to see’, but who has time to make it happen when as usual, survival is #1 priority.

So, tell me, oh wise ones, where is the break I’ve been so needing this past 30 or so years. When can I have the job I love, caring for the people I love and being creative? When can this rat race roller coaster let me go a little and let me have the life I’ve always dreamed of.

All I really want is a simpler life, I want to grow food, make things, cook and clean and most of all, be there for my family. I’m tired of saying, sorry I can’t go baby, mommy has to work, or, I worked all day and I’m tired.

One day I’ll be gone and I don’t want that to be my kids most common memory of me.

Posted from WordPress for Android

“And Tired Always Follows Sick”

So I am tired and need to vent a bit. Got a minute, or 70?

Lately I have been fighting sinus issues more than usual. This winter has been brutal on my sinuses and I can’t tell if it has to do with the temperature, my allergies or some unidentified pollutant.

My bathroom ceiling is a mess, again, because of the tenants upstairs. They do not put their shower curtain inside the tub when they shower, so I now (again) have a leak in my bathroom ceiling. The owner upstairs is trying to get them out because it seems that they don’t like to pay rent either. They can’t leave soon enough.

I am working full time again as of the first of the year and running my daughter to Taekwondo and Gymnastics, on top of helping her with these projects that she gets every month, (2 a month, part of the gifted program) which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for anything else.

So needless to say I am in the throes of a winter meltdown, again, as usual.

My new question is this. Is society so broken that we do not see the benefit of having a mother stay at home and be a mother, instead of running around like a lunatic and being too stressed to teach her kids the important stuff in life? Where did the sense of community go?

When women burned their bras and protested for equality, where were the women that liked things the way they were? Couldn’t there have been a compromise? There is no way to be a ‘stay at home’ mom without a man supporting you.

We are all slaves to the system and there isn’t an easy way out unless you have money. Schooling has changed so drastically that they don’t teach you how to care for a home, cook, clean, grow things, etc. What happened to home ec?

They don’t teach you in school that you are working for someone else’s wealth. They teach you that to be successful, you have to work for someone else and become a consumer. Period. Make the money to buy the stuff that makes you look successful, again and again..

Our schools now are worker bee factories. Get used to the schedule, follow the rules, don’t question authority, learn how to be a good worker.

I am not religious but I have to say, the Amish seem to have the right idea. Their system is flawed, are most religions, but I think the intention is good and at the core is community and health.

I think it’s time to create a pseudo-Amish community. Let’s see what it takes to create a ‘religion’…

Well I’ve vented the tip of the iceberg.. There will be more soon.

THV

TGIF

What a week. Whew.

I’ve been working for a few weeks now at my new job. (Part-time for now) as internal computer support.

Last Friday the network storage device needed a hardware repair, which the outside tech that they’ve been working with for years, came and repaired.

Skip to Monday morning and find that the fix didn’t work and the device is now dead. Eek! Years worth of documents and program data is now inaccessible.

Without boring you all with the details, bottom line, no backup, partial data recovery, new unit on the way, getting data recovery estimates. It’s been a busy week.

I got a good review today though. It seems that they are all happy with my performance so far, and all feel that we work together well, even though I felt ‘in way over my head’ a few times, I’m doing a good job and people like me.

Most of you that know me, know that I don’t care much about what people think of me, but it’s pretty cool to get a job doing things that you taught yourself and enjoy doing and have others tell you that you are doing well.

This is good news, since the ‘part-time for now’ is supposed to lead to full-time, possibly more money, and benefits.

I guess quitting my job when I did, without a new job lined up, as scary as it was, was a good thing.

I had time to finish Ally’s room, reorganize my room, rest and recover from the high stress of the job I quit, and time to update my LinkedIn profile, which is how my new boss found me.

I guess timing really is everything 🙂

Now to deal with the crazy days of Christmas shopping. Going out Sunday with a friend. Hopefully we don’t run into many rabid consumers. I just need to get some practical gifts, lunch with a friend and go home.

TTYL

THV

Posted from WordPress for Android

Mama Drama 4

Well the drama came to a head and I have decided to take the high road and ignore this nut case.
Another text message of threats and lies came in and after talking to the guidance counselor I have decided to ignore her and only report to him if she mentions my daughter directly.
She had called my daughter a bully this last time and threatened to call a meeting with the entire school board.
So the next day, after I reported the threat to the guidance counselor, I see her talking outside the school with him. 
He calls me an hour later in reply to my earlier report and says that she never mentioned anything about our kids or a meeting, she was just chatting about other stuff.
He is checking with the kids every day to make sure they are ok and that this drama isn’t leaking into their school life.
So instead of pulling her in for a meeting and stirring the pot off shit that she’s brewing, I am ignoring her, she’s just trying to get a rise out of me and I’m not giving it to her.
Suck on that you loon!

THV

Mama Drama 3