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So today, I sit on my couch for what feels like the first time in forever thinking..about being selfish. I really have never been, I mean maybe a little here and there about certain things, but not to the point of taking advantage of someone or neglecting my responsibilities for my own need.

I spent the whole week helping my son, barely making it to work one day because I was so exhausted, but I finished what I set out to do. No one’s approval of what I did was necessary.

And I realize that I can’t remember how long it’s been since I cared about my needs. I have kids, a granddaughter and pets. I am a mother before anything else. I take care of them first..

It is hard to be a working mother. You come home from work and you’re tired, but you still have a couple more hours of work to do when you get home. Last night I realized that I hadn’t eaten dinner at around 10pm. I proceeded to inhale a fajita and go to bed.

Tonight I am supposed to go to my work Christmas party. I wanted to go originally and because I am nosy and don’t want to miss anything, I still kind of want to go, but it doesn’t look like I have a babysitter, so I will stay home and do mom stuff. Maybe I’ll take a long, hot shower, who knows, but the point is, I’m ok with it, because I’m a mom and my kids always come first..

However, I realize that there is a balance that I need to maintain a little better. If I am not happy and comfortable with my life, I cannot make anyone else happy. My inner turmoil will show through, as it has been lately, and counteract all of my efforts.

I actually have goals for what I want my life to be now. Ironically, they are the re-realized goals of my childhood. When I was a child, I wanted to be like Grizzly Adams from TV. I wanted to live in the woods, by a river and have a pet bear. I was always told that was ridiculous. Well maybe the bear was a little ridiculous, he’d probably eat me..lol

I have learned a lot about myself this summer, much like when I moved to Seattle years ago, I spent a lot of time in the woods. I spent time getting to know people that live a much simpler life, much like the one I’ve always wanted. It is not ridiculous and it’s not impossible. I was only trying to be my natural self. It is where I belong.

When I lived in Seattle, life was not all peaches and cream, but most of the time, I only worked when my son was in school and we spent a lot of time outdoors. It was the closest I’ve ever gotten to my childhood dream life.

Since I returned to NJ, my outdoor time decreased exponentially as the years have passed. In the later part of this summer, I spent every other weekend in the woods at my camper in CT. Home 2.0. One of the best summers ever. Even though a lot of it was work, moving the camper and  re-setting it up on its new property.

CT holds a special place in my soul since I was born there, and most of my biological family are there. I have always wanted to live there and have set my goals on moving there sometime in the near future.

A lot of people here are very selfish in general, materialistic and have been spoon fed the capitalist agenda since birth and are focused on ‘more’. More money, more stuff, competing with the neighbors for who’s got the best everything.

I’ve  never wanted any of that. I want ‘enough’. Enough to live a life im proud of, enough to care for my family and friends, enough to share with those in need, etc.

I come from a few different heritages, but the one I feel most connected to is my Native American heritage. I have always identified more closely with the way they lived. Connected to nature and thankful for it all.

Someday, hopefully soon, I will be able to live the way I was meant to. Naturally and in harmony with all around me.

There is so much swimming in my head right now, I could probably go on for hours, but I have laundry to finish and a truck to unpack, so I will let this post end here. Maybe when I have a little more time to sit and post, I will continue these thoughts..

TTFN

THV

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Control

My thoughts this evening are meandering toward the fact that I have had very little control over my life from almost day one.

I think being adopted has a lot to do with making me feel this way. I was adopted as a baby and moved to another state.

I have so much to say on this topic and how it shaped who I am but I would probably become A.D.D. girl and ramble on and not make much sense…

I will say that my current situation is bringing it to mind more often than not, and I know I need to address it soon, before it becomes a huge issue…

Later

THV

Hello old friend

I can’t believe I haven’t posted since February. I have so many things going on both in life and in my head, that I have no time to post.

Partially because there is so much I want to say, that I don’t have the time, and I can’t seem to oganize the buildup of thoughts into anything that would make sense.

I guess ill start with a basic run down of whats been going on.

My job that I started in February has been going good. The job is fairly easy and the people are nice.

I’ve been getting up to the camper in CT twice a month, which was my plan for the summer. I have to move it though, cause my friends that have it in their yard are selling their house. Campground, here I come..

I had to put my dog to sleep. He was old and his body was shutting down.

I have had a plumber out to fix the leak from the upstairs neighbors shower that has wrecked my bathroom for the umpteenth time and I got a new breaker box installed due to the condo updating the whole electrical system.

I have concluded that I am not depressed, even though I feel like the walls are closing in on me again, I recognize that I’m in fact sad, disappointed, trapped and unfulfilled in this ‘work to live’ society that I am stuck in.

Enough on that, before I get on a rant of epic proportions and am writing the longest blog post in history..

Hope to post again soon, before all these thoughts start spilling out of my head (or worse, my mouth) and make a big mess.

Laterz
THV

Learning

So I have had another one of those epiphanies that I have every once in a while when I am contemplating change and where I’ve gone wrong in my life.

I need to put myself higher on my priority list. Period.

Note to people in my life, this is not about you. This is about me and how i deal with everyone.

I have always been the kind of person to find joy in caring for others and helping them better themselves. Unfortunately for me, this usually ends up costing me my own wants and needs.

I seem to take such good care of people that I make them become too dependent on me and then when I need a break, I am in no position to provide one for myself.

I am going to be 47 on my next birthday and I have never been able to make solid plans for the future. I have always lived paycheck to paycheck, rarely able to save anything for even Christmas shopping. What is going to happen over the next 20 or so years, will define the rest of my life.

I should have thought of this when I was in my 20’s and started planning then, but, I never could. I don’t have that option now. I will need to come up with a new plan, like yesterday. I need to be strict with myself. I need to take better charge of my resources. Physically, mentally and financially.

Being a lifelong depressive and more recently a Lyme disease sufferer, does not make this an easy task. My energy is at an all-time low, (winter blues enhanced) my attitude sucks, I am very unhappy and overwhelmed at this point and I am looking at this as a ‘shit or get off the pot’ scenario. If i don’t start bailing now, this ship will never become seaworthy.

I need to learn to feel comfortable asking for help when I need it. My usual m.o. is to wait until I can’t handle things before I will admit that I need help. Part of this comes from having been screwed over too many times in the past by people.

I have always taken on more than my share in an attempt to keep control and not be vulnerable to others. This is a self defeating behavior in itself. If I take all the control, no one can tell me what to do or take anything away from me.

The only people that I always could count on for help were my parents. My father passed away in 1998 and my mother is now suffering with dementia and living with my brother in another state. I can’t even turn to her for advice anymore.

I feel very isolated right now and this is also my own doing. Yes, I have a young daughter, but I should still find time for social activities.. Lol, me finding time for anything is a joke in itself.
So I am going to start by evaluating my current needs and coming up with a plan.

THV

Turkey day

Ok so tomorrow is thanksgiving here in the U.S.

For me it is all about the food. Being part Native American, I can’t help but see it as the beginning of the end for the Natives that lived here for years before North America was ‘discovered’.

Feeling like a complete hypocrite, it is my favorite holiday though, because it is all about the food and spending time with people you love.

It is also a time to reflect on what we are grateful for before the lunacy, greed and capitalism of Christmas heads full throttle for our wallets.

I am thankful for the people in my life that make it bearable,  that I do not have to work tomorrow, and for the oodles of goodies that I will stuff myself with tomorrow while I watch the Seahawks 49-ers game.

Happy turkey day!! 🙂

THV

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Grateful-Perspective

Ok I need to write this down because I’ve been feeling sorry for myself lately, my house is too small, I don’t make enough $, I need to drop a few pounds, etc.

My other half is always telling me to try to see where we are now from where we’ve come and be glad that I’ve made such progress.

I have a hard time seeing through the depressive fog to see that things are actually better than they were. I still have so far to go.

Yesterday while I was being pissy because instead of going to Pride in Asbury, I was home cleaning, I got a sharp reminder of how good my life is compared to others.

Without going into too much detail, I have a friend that is being treated poorly by her adult child that she lives with. I am grateful that I know that my kids would never treat me badly or make me live in unhealthy conditions.

I know another person that is in the same situation my parents were in when me and my ex lived with them. If this person was anything like my parents were, or I am now, the ‘kids wouldn’t be desperately trying to get the hell out of there. I am grateful that I am not the one they are trying to escape from.

So the bottom line is this; my house may be barely big enough for us, but my heart makes it 10 times bigger. I have taken in friends in need without a thought to how crowded it would be. If I had half the house this other person has, my door would always be open to family in need and I would feel lucky to have the extra time with them.

I need to remind myself more often how lucky I am.

THV