A not so little story

K. So I was born in CT. At 11 months old, I was adopted and moved to NJ.

As I grew up I was told that I was special because I was ‘chosen’. That never made sense to me because that meant that someone had to be willing to give me away in the first place.

I never felt that I belonged in NJ.  I never fit in and although I made friends easily, I never felt that they were truly my friends. I always felt that they felt sorry for me because I was adopted. (Story for another time)

I was able to move to Seattle for a while, (5 years) and instantly felt a freedom that I never felt in NJ.  I loved it there, but poor life choices and family obligations landed me back in NJ.

Fast forward to today.

I have met 99% of my biological family in CT Over the last almost 20 years, with the exception of my mother, (who doesn’t want to, for her own reasons, and after years of reflection, and therapy, I respect her decision)

I have found my ‘home’ in a sense, in CT, and feel that if I were able to move there, I could have what I always wanted, a large welcoming family that loves me unconditionally for who I am, not who they want me to be, or who they think I am.

My issue now is my current life situation. I am still, at almost 47, birthday in less than a week, beatin my head against a wall, living paycheck to paycheck, in an upside down mortgage, unable to make the move.

I want a better life for my kids, my son, almost 30, my daughter, almost 9, and my granddaughter, almost 3. I do not see NJ ever breaking the cycle for any of us.

I will work until I die here, never being truly comfortable with any of my major life decisions. What will that teach my kids? That you can’t have, or do what you want because you are a wheel in someone elses machine?

I don’t want to be a wheel in someone elses machine, and I sure as hell don’t want anyone I care about to live their lives that way.

I refuse to teach my kids to make money for someone else. I want to teach them to make what they need, grow food, build things, fix things that are broken, etc., and be proud of what they’ve done.

After 47ish years of being part of the machine, how do you break away and start anew? I’ve been teaching my daughter the right path as far as people and materialism go, but only in theory, as we are not truly living it.

The conundrum is that it takes money from the system to break free of the system. Without complete upheaval and severe hardship. How the fuck does that work when you can’t save a dime towards the ultimate goal?

My ego (another topic for another day) is just about gone, I’ve been working on being true to myself and not caring about what others think.

I am giving this state/town 2 more school years, before my daughter hits the shit ass middle school in my town and I’m out. Whether I’ve reached my goal or not. I will not subject her brilliant mind to the complete ghetto ignorance that she will be exposed to.

As always, there is so much more I want to say, but time does not permit, as I have to get up early to go to work.




“And Tired Always Follows Sick”

So I am tired and need to vent a bit. Got a minute, or 70?

Lately I have been fighting sinus issues more than usual. This winter has been brutal on my sinuses and I can’t tell if it has to do with the temperature, my allergies or some unidentified pollutant.

My bathroom ceiling is a mess, again, because of the tenants upstairs. They do not put their shower curtain inside the tub when they shower, so I now (again) have a leak in my bathroom ceiling. The owner upstairs is trying to get them out because it seems that they don’t like to pay rent either. They can’t leave soon enough.

I am working full time again as of the first of the year and running my daughter to Taekwondo and Gymnastics, on top of helping her with these projects that she gets every month, (2 a month, part of the gifted program) which doesn’t leave a whole lot of time for anything else.

So needless to say I am in the throes of a winter meltdown, again, as usual.

My new question is this. Is society so broken that we do not see the benefit of having a mother stay at home and be a mother, instead of running around like a lunatic and being too stressed to teach her kids the important stuff in life? Where did the sense of community go?

When women burned their bras and protested for equality, where were the women that liked things the way they were? Couldn’t there have been a compromise? There is no way to be a ‘stay at home’ mom without a man supporting you.

We are all slaves to the system and there isn’t an easy way out unless you have money. Schooling has changed so drastically that they don’t teach you how to care for a home, cook, clean, grow things, etc. What happened to home ec?

They don’t teach you in school that you are working for someone else’s wealth. They teach you that to be successful, you have to work for someone else and become a consumer. Period. Make the money to buy the stuff that makes you look successful, again and again..

Our schools now are worker bee factories. Get used to the schedule, follow the rules, don’t question authority, learn how to be a good worker.

I am not religious but I have to say, the Amish seem to have the right idea. Their system is flawed, are most religions, but I think the intention is good and at the core is community and health.

I think it’s time to create a pseudo-Amish community. Let’s see what it takes to create a ‘religion’…

Well I’ve vented the tip of the iceberg.. There will be more soon.


Mama Drama 4

Well the drama came to a head and I have decided to take the high road and ignore this nut case.
Another text message of threats and lies came in and after talking to the guidance counselor I have decided to ignore her and only report to him if she mentions my daughter directly.
She had called my daughter a bully this last time and threatened to call a meeting with the entire school board.
So the next day, after I reported the threat to the guidance counselor, I see her talking outside the school with him. 
He calls me an hour later in reply to my earlier report and says that she never mentioned anything about our kids or a meeting, she was just chatting about other stuff.
He is checking with the kids every day to make sure they are ok and that this drama isn’t leaking into their school life.
So instead of pulling her in for a meeting and stirring the pot off shit that she’s brewing, I am ignoring her, she’s just trying to get a rise out of me and I’m not giving it to her.
Suck on that you loon!


Mama Drama 3

Mama Drama 3

Ok this shit is getting even more ridiculous. My daughter invited some, not all, of the kids in her class to her birthday party. 1st kids party she’s had in 2 years and it’s going to be almost 2 months after her actual birthday. She was limited to 15 invites and 3 of them aren’t even in her class.

The drama mama’s kid wasn’t invited and she has now threatened to sabotage the party by inviting kids to do something with her and her son on the same day.

Actual quote via text;
‘Nice job hurting a child, ‘insert child name here’ mom called me and they will be going to the museum and dinner maybe we will invite other classmates the same day s the party, good luck with attendance’

My very civil reply;
‘Wasn’t intentional. There were limited invites. He wasn’t the only one not invited.’

She had since called one other parent that I know of and had probably called more.

I have notified the school, again, and am hoping that they can do something to put an end to this madness. My next option is to file a civil complaint for harassment.

Mama Drama 2


Mama Drama 2

So I am very frustrated lately. My daughter is having trouble again in school with the same kid that she had issues with last year. See my old post Mama Drama if you aren’t familiar with the story.

Well, it seems that this kid, is annoying my daughter on purpose so that when she retaliates in any way, dirty looks snotty remark, etc, he runs home and tells his mother, who in turn texts me to tattle on her.

I am so fed up. It is getting to her and she’s starting to do strange things and when I ask her why she is doing them, it all goes back to something related to this.

I now have the guidance counselor at her school involved and have told the ‘drama mama’ to leave us alone and if her kid has an issue with mine, he is to go to the teacher.

She has a week without this drama because they are on vacation this week, so I told her to enjoy the peace and quiet and if it starts again upon their return, tell the teacher EVERY time he does ANYTHING to you.

Bottom line is this, If no one is getting hurt, stay out of the kids business. They need to learn how to build and maintain relationships on their own. Micro-managing their relationships only stunts their emotional growth and prevents them from having healthy relationships in the future.

(This is a VERY tame explanation of what is going on in my head. I am furious and frustrated, but I decided to try to get out my feelings without raving like a lunatic.)